Curtain Call

So this week sees me taking part in what has become an annual ritual since 2005: performing in a pantomime as part of my local community drama group. As always, the week is both exciting and stressful as it’s the culmination of many months work, the moment of truth in remembering your lines and then the feeling of excitement as you share the buzz of performing with a group of people that you’ve come to rely on. Looking back over the years, I’ve played many parts from villain to leading lady, chorus line and many variations in between. I’ve never really minded what part I’ve played as the joy for me has been to be part of the whole, and at the end of the day the whole show is the important thing.

This year, I’m playing half of a comic duo which has been great fun; working on timing, choreographing slapstick and funny business and helping each other to deliver punchlines. It’s certainly proved a positive distraction from some of the stresses of both of our working lives and doesn’t everyone need an outlet of some sort to escape their mundane and day-to-day?

As we’ve got to the most important rehearsals of the run, the group has pulled together to sort all the little jobs that need doing when putting on a show, from fixing props to sorting face paints and ordering refreshments for the intervals and many, many more. Within this busy atmosphere and whilst juggling thoughts of all the tasks I need to tick off during show week, as the group producer, I find myself losing my way with my own performance. Standing on stage in the spotlight, waiting for the curtain to open, I had an overwhelming moment of feeling that I wouldn’t be able to do what was required, that I would not be able to put all the good work from rehearsals into practice. This year has certainly been a roller coaster of emotions and now, as I reach the week that I’m usually so in control of, I find myself feeling a sort of stage fright that I haven’t faced before.

In an early blog, “Confined by my Cage of Confidence,” I began to confront some of my self-esteem issues. In the last month, I have found myself returning to these. Confidence is a fragile commodity with many facets, much like a precious crystal. There are moments when I know that I shine and this year I have made many treasured memories where this has been true and I look to all like I’m full of confidence and soaring high. Of course the flip side has been moments of inhabiting low places, when I can feel alone even in a crowded room. This week I got some blood test results back which confirmed that my anaemia has become an issue again, which has at least explained some difficulties that I have had. I understand that low mood is attached to anaemia and the results certainly provide a reason for the dizziness and fainting that I have had this month. Perhaps then, it is no surprise that I feel that my confidence is eroding currently?

So where do we go from here? Well you have to keep moving forward don’t you? Sometimes that feels like wading in the shifting sands left at low tide. Other days, a smile or a simple act of kindness touches your soul, makes a connection and gives you the ability to stride forward at a pace that has eluded you for days. The difference with this crisis of confidence, in comparison to my last, is that I am recognising it as such and I have a network of support that I am able to call on. We are heading towards the end of this year and I know that the next year holds an uncertain path for me. The unknown can cast a fearful shadow upon the mind. I am avoiding the shadows by being honest with myself and my support network. This does mean that there have been some tearful conversations but if there’s one thing I have learnt over the last three years working in the field of Special Educational Needs, it is that there is nothing wrong with having a little cry. A tearful conversation with my husband or a friend that I trust has actually been therapeutic and who knew just how powerful a hug could be?

I have a light ahead of me and each day, I feel that I am moving towards it. When someone notices that you’re stuck or are losing your way and stops to support you, there is much to be thankful for. You owe it to them and yourself to dust yourself down and find the strength to face the next obstacle in your way.

Returning to my moment in the spotlight, I do what a lot of performers do and park the thoughts of doubt to step forward as my character. I do all the silly things that happen in a pantomime and know that my fellow cast will be there to support me and will be giving their best too for every scene. I’ve worked too hard to step off the stage now and the old adage of ‘the show must go on’ is certainly a motivating force. Over the years, as a group we have helped each other, particularly when we have known that individuals have been facing difficult times. We have laughed and cried together and pulled a performance out of the bag, sometimes against the odds. Those in the group in the year I reference in “Kind Hearts and Karaoke” know only too well the extent to which that was true.

So, with my husband backing me up, as always, and my friends providing a safety net that I know I only need to ask for, I’m telling myself that I can do this. I’m facing the show week ahead and with deep breaths, I’m ready for my curtain call.