Well of course there are many different forms of love: from the lusty, magnetic attraction of two people forming a relationship to the love for a family member, friend or even a pet. Perhaps ‘love’ also incorporates feelings towards our possessions or pastimes- when you say you love a new dress or you love the sport or hobby that you have taken up? One small word that can mean so many things - shades of meaning, perhaps different grades of love?
But let’s not overthink it. We all recognise the feeling of caring deeply about a person, a place, or an object but we all need to feel that we too are loved. That I think is the crux of what it is to be human - for to be loved is to be accepted and validated and to know that you are supported through the twists and turns of life.
Now sometimes there are grand gestures of love. Gifts given and sometimes sacrifices made to put the one you love first, even if you are worse off for having done so. Thinking about it though, I have come to believe that it is not the grand overstated gestures that really matter - it’s the little, everyday, often seemingly unnoticed measures that make us feel loved. It can be a shared glance of understanding, a touch of reassurance, a message on the way home from work to check if anything is needed. It can be when someone drops everything to listen, offer advice or a simple hug, even though they had a lot to do at that time but they knew you needed support right there and then. The love between two people can often lead to marriage, when those two people have found the courage to declare to the world that they have found happiness in each other and that they want to be together for the rest of their lives. A truly big commitment.
There’s much publicity about who has rights to marry or even spend time with each other, depending on what country you happen to reside in. I’m guessing anyone reading this may have their own very clear ideas about their response to the question of whether marriage should be heterosexual or should be open to any couples wishing to make that commitment to each other. For my part, when you can see the love two people have for each other so obviously displayed and how they support each other, day in day out, then who has a right to deny them from making their commitment to each other in the formal expression of marriage, whoever they may be? For love knows no boundaries and sees no obstacles of race, gender, age or class.
I am in a fortunate position of having been married for a long time, 28 years if you want the statistics. To quote a certain rock anthem, ‘it’s been no bed of roses.’ Well, not if you’re expecting a life of purely rose petals but that only happens in the movies doesn’t it? Roses come with thorns, that’s part of the package and so it is with marriage. There are times when you need space from each other and you can hurt each other with words or deeds that prick like a thorn. But that’s where the love truly shows it’s worth for that’s where forgiveness and compassion bloom.
I read somewhere that marriage is about being an effective tag team so that each partner can take a turn in the ring showing their strength when the other needs time outside the ropes, gathering the energy they need to struggle with their current demon. Certainly the love you have for each other finds new and sometimes surprising depths when life throws obstacles or tragedy your way.
I’ve also seen at close hand how the love in a long marriage has sustained when the ‘in sickness’ part of the marriage vows came into focus, when my Mum sacrificed so much to look after my Dad through his last difficult years and the courage she showed during his last days, being there for him to hold his hand and reassure as he passed. So love it seems, gives you strength, courage and a will to carry on through the grief to a place where you can reminisce about all the times you shared together through your marriage.
I did not intend when I started writing this to look at the end of a marriage but more at the start, for I was inspired to write this after having the privilege of being part of a wedding of two dear friends. The day was made all the more special by seeing their joy and love for each other and how evident their love for family and friends was.
Standing at the starting line of a marriage they, like all couples, have an eagerness and excitement to participate. They are in those heady early days of being in love and may that long continue. Marriage is not a sprint it is a long distance race and, as my Dad would say about his athletics, save some energy for later in the race and keep your stamina. It is also a team event and so you have to be prepared to pick each other up when you fall and keep going, whether that is a walk, jog or a sudden sprint. With that said, and a picture in my mind of my Dad at a track event with his stopwatch in hand, I wish happiness and unending love to any couple beginning their married life together and say ‘on your marks, get set, go!’
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