Master of the House

‘Who wears the trousers in your house?’ That’s a strange expression isn’t it? So many aspects to explore there that I would see as irrelevant in the modern day family dynamic but I know this is not the case for many. Obviously the assumption is that ‘traditionally ‘the man of the house, wearing the trousers, was the dominant driving force of the family. I am not sure where to even begin to unpick that. So many different family types with so many different relationship dynamics within them and even thinking back to the archetypal nuclear family of the 1950s, wasn’t it often said that behind every man was a good woman who was holding it all together? 

Perhaps such an analogy still holds up though, if we ignore the sexism implicit within it. If the phrase is to apply to who is perceived as the driving force, the one making all the decisions, the one motivating the others in the household, then at different times in our house we may both wear the trousers or, with increasing regularity, feel that neither of us are doing so. In fact, the trousers have become like the proverbial missing sock in the wash and have disappeared so far back in the wardrobe that they have gone to Narnia! Those are the overwhelming days. When life beyond the confines of home and immediate family, demands reactionary measures and you can feel yourself standing still whilst all around blurs into a fast-paced montage. An image comes to mind of an individual standing still on Waterloo Bridge whilst all the commuters and tourists hurry along on all sides in a blurred focus of movement. I have probably lifted the scene from a film or somewhere. Suffice to say, when life throws a lot at us at once it is easy to feel as though you are standing still and observing a whirlwind unfurling around you.

Within the family unit too, lines blur- at least they seem to have done so for us. I have written before about the changes and adapting to life in close proximity now that we have four adults and not the parents and two children dynamic. Take a look at my previous post 'The Rule Book' to see what I mean but today I do find myself asking whether the children who are now grown-up, are the ones to be wearing the trousers? Have they become the masters of the house? That can often feel the case and whilst the knee-jerk reaction to that might be that as the parents in our own house, we should still be calling all the shots and making our own decisions, reality is often far more complex.

In a time when children are remaining in the family home long into adulthood, they have to have scope and space to make choices, become independent and feel like adults. Getting the balance right so that each of us feels respected within the shared space and a valued part of the family unit can be tricky though. I am not sure we have managed that yet. Then again, I am not sure I have managed to find what I truly want and where I am trying to get to and that’s at the age of fifty. I frequently find myself wondering where I am headed and asking for guidance from friends or family members or anyone that will listen really. 

Being master of the house and I choose that phrase over mistress as that unfortunately has a whole other set of connotations! Being master of the house or master of any relationship, surely requires you to understand those things? To know what your long term aim and your short term objectives are and have some sort of viable action plan in place of how to get there? Maybe that’s why the trousers are missing in our house. Sure, we both know where we are aiming to be in the long term - mortgage free and both able to stop work and start living some of life’s adventures together. Getting to that point seems to include an unsure pathway and we have certainly stumbled over many of the bumps in that path over the last thirty years. I am sure there will be many more bumps or pitfalls to negotiate in the future but actually, I have to admit that we have also started to find some little stopping points along that path where we are tasting some of life’s adventures. We have been learning the value of enforcing a pause on daily life - taking a time out to think about all that is going on around us. Perhaps the key has been admitting to each other that we don’t really know what we are doing or where we are going but that we’ll keep on trying to work it out together. Who needs to know who the master of this house is anyway? I think it’s the dog! 

Silence is Golden

Is that really the case? That very much depends upon the context. In current times the moves to promote speaking out about an injustice, saying no to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or speaking up to show a courage to ask for help- all of these are without question, a commendable course of action to take. My thoughts are concerned with the many moments as a wife, mother, daughter or friend when I have chosen to be silent. Silent when it feels the hardest thing to be but when to say something would bring hurt or unhappiness to another or would simply solve nothing by being pointed out to those involved. I have not always been able to maintain this and all too easily, a few words slip and are instantly regretted for the fallout that ensues.

With so much in the public domain now and a plethora of social media platforms available to us all, silence is a fast evaporating commodity. The spread of a few comments on Facebook or similar is the technologically heightened version of cruel playground gossip and all too easy to become swept up in. When is the last time you felt the need to bite your tongue? I have been learning the value of doing so, much more as I grow older. Family dynamics can require careful balancing and I am still not the best placed person to extol the virtues of silence in that regard but I do need to learn. There are some things that need to be said and airing what we really feel, though hurtful or difficult at the time, can ultimately lead to us all being in a better place. Then there are things that we all may actually know but it does no-one any favours in actually saying any of it out loud.

What about the times when you know something about a friend but you cannot share it? I expect we all make judgment calls all the time and much of this will depend upon how much you as a person revels in a bit of gossip. It’s worth noting though, that for all the gossip and information a person tells you about another, you can be reassured that you will be the feature of at least as many talking points when you have left the room. Those who are the ring masters in the circus of gossip are often adept at juggling - balancing just enough information to give each individual to make them feel part of the game without revealing too much of themselves. But juggling is a skill that takes time to develop and the more balls you add, the more risk there is of dropping one.

Without becoming caught up in specific details, for that in itself would be to start painting with a gossip brush, there are times when I have overheard a comment or glimpsed part of a message on a group chat obviously not intended for my eyes as a nearby phone lights up. Though not setting out to discover what someone really thinks about another or quite believing how unkind an off guard comment can be, once you know something you can’t un-know it. That is the point at which you make your judgement call and when silence can indeed be golden. To pass on the comment or confront the person who was making it would be options with consequences that may well be far reaching. Better to keep quiet and to learn from it - knowing that your judgement of another may now be coloured by the incident but moving on, nevertheless.

In the past, when different circumstances combined to make life particularly tricky, there were times when I would stand in the shower and cry. Some days I felt that I had nobody to talk to and so the confines of the shower cubicle were the only space to let it out. Silence about my feelings was not golden and in hindsight not the best option to have taken but it was probably necessary as I was processing what was happening to family members.

Now that I am in a place that I feel I can move out of the shower cubicle and am more relaxed about sharing my thoughts and even crying in front of those I trust. Still there is a balance needed, isn’t there? I don’t always choose to tell it like it really is - who wants to be that friend or family member who is always negative? Those who know me well enough, know that sometimes silence or that stock answer that all is fine, are both mechanisms employed until such time as I will be ready to talk about it. They also know to balance when to give me the space to process thoughts and when to push me to break a silence so that I can really say how I feel as let’s face it, we all know that ‘fine’ is code for all is far from fine. 

Relationships are a complex entity with many facets, some of the hidden ones only starting to reveal themselves after many years. Scratch beneath the superficial and a solid relationship - romantic or platonic - will have those hidden depths. Thirty years into knowing my husband and we’re still discovering these depths as we have come to rely upon each other’s strengths when faced with a bump in life’s road. The trade off for all the down sides of ageing is hopefully an increased wisdom and a fine tuning of trusting your judgement. A judgement of when to speak up and when to have the strength to rise above it all and let your silence speak volumes. I’m still working hard at following the path to wisdom, how about you?

Love and Marriage

What is love? This is a topic that’s long been explored in poetry, music, art, religious sermon even - there are many places you could look for definitions, creative responses to the subject matter or even research papers on the subject.

Well of course there are many different forms of love: from the lusty, magnetic attraction of two people forming a relationship to the love for a family member, friend or even a pet. Perhaps ‘love’ also incorporates feelings towards our possessions or pastimes- when you say you love a new dress or you love the sport or hobby that you have taken up? One small word that can mean so many things - shades of meaning, perhaps different grades of love? 

But let’s not overthink it. We all recognise the feeling of caring deeply about a person, a place, or an object but we all need to feel that we too are loved. That I think is the crux of what it is to be human - for to be loved is to be accepted and validated and to know that you are supported through the twists and turns of life.

Now sometimes there are grand gestures of love. Gifts given and sometimes sacrifices made to put the one you love first, even if you are worse off for having done so. Thinking about it though, I have come to believe that it is not the grand overstated gestures that really matter - it’s the little, everyday, often seemingly unnoticed measures that make us feel loved. It can be a shared glance of understanding, a touch of reassurance, a message on the way home from work to check if anything is needed. It can be when someone drops everything to listen, offer advice or a simple hug, even though they had a lot to do at that time but they knew you needed support right there and then. The love between two people can often lead to marriage, when those two people have found the courage to declare to the world that they have found happiness in each other and that they want to be together for the rest of their lives. A truly big commitment. 

There’s much publicity about who has rights to marry or even spend time with each other, depending on what country you happen to reside in. I’m guessing anyone reading this may have their own very clear ideas about their response to the question of whether marriage should be heterosexual or should be open to any couples wishing to make that commitment to each other. For my part, when you can see the love two people have for each other so obviously displayed and how they support each other, day in day out, then who has a right to deny them from making their commitment to each other in the formal expression of marriage, whoever they may be? For love knows no boundaries and sees no obstacles of race, gender, age or class. 

I am in a fortunate position of having been married for a long time, 28 years if you want the statistics. To quote a certain rock anthem, ‘it’s been no bed of roses.’ Well, not if you’re expecting a life of purely rose petals but that only happens in the movies doesn’t it? Roses come with thorns, that’s part of the package and so it is with marriage. There are times when you need space from each other and you can hurt each other with words or deeds that prick like a thorn. But that’s where the love truly shows it’s worth for that’s where forgiveness and compassion bloom.

I read somewhere that marriage is about being an effective tag team so that each partner can take a turn in the ring showing their strength when the other needs time outside the ropes, gathering the energy they need to struggle with their current demon. Certainly the love you have for each other finds new and sometimes surprising depths when life throws obstacles or tragedy your way.

I’ve also seen at close hand how the love in a long marriage has sustained when the ‘in sickness’ part of the marriage vows came into focus, when my Mum sacrificed so much to look after my Dad through his last difficult years and the courage she showed during his last days, being there for him to hold his hand and reassure as he passed. So love it seems, gives you strength, courage and a will to carry on through the grief to a place where you can reminisce about all the times you shared together through your marriage.

I did not intend when I started writing this to look at the end of a marriage but more at the start, for I was inspired to write this after having the privilege of being part of a wedding of two dear friends. The day was made all the more special by seeing their joy and love for each other and how evident their love for family and friends was.
Standing at the starting line of a marriage they, like all couples, have an eagerness and excitement to participate. They are in those heady early days of being in love and may that long continue. Marriage is not a sprint it is a long distance race and, as my Dad would say about his athletics, save some energy for later in the race and keep your stamina. It is also a team event and so you have to be prepared to pick each other up when you fall and keep going, whether that is a walk, jog or a sudden sprint. With that said, and a picture in my mind of my Dad at a track event with his stopwatch in hand, I wish happiness and unending love to any couple beginning their married life together and say ‘on your marks, get set, go!’