Master of the House

‘Who wears the trousers in your house?’ That’s a strange expression isn’t it? So many aspects to explore there that I would see as irrelevant in the modern day family dynamic but I know this is not the case for many. Obviously the assumption is that ‘traditionally ‘the man of the house, wearing the trousers, was the dominant driving force of the family. I am not sure where to even begin to unpick that. So many different family types with so many different relationship dynamics within them and even thinking back to the archetypal nuclear family of the 1950s, wasn’t it often said that behind every man was a good woman who was holding it all together? 

Perhaps such an analogy still holds up though, if we ignore the sexism implicit within it. If the phrase is to apply to who is perceived as the driving force, the one making all the decisions, the one motivating the others in the household, then at different times in our house we may both wear the trousers or, with increasing regularity, feel that neither of us are doing so. In fact, the trousers have become like the proverbial missing sock in the wash and have disappeared so far back in the wardrobe that they have gone to Narnia! Those are the overwhelming days. When life beyond the confines of home and immediate family, demands reactionary measures and you can feel yourself standing still whilst all around blurs into a fast-paced montage. An image comes to mind of an individual standing still on Waterloo Bridge whilst all the commuters and tourists hurry along on all sides in a blurred focus of movement. I have probably lifted the scene from a film or somewhere. Suffice to say, when life throws a lot at us at once it is easy to feel as though you are standing still and observing a whirlwind unfurling around you.

Within the family unit too, lines blur- at least they seem to have done so for us. I have written before about the changes and adapting to life in close proximity now that we have four adults and not the parents and two children dynamic. Take a look at my previous post 'The Rule Book' to see what I mean but today I do find myself asking whether the children who are now grown-up, are the ones to be wearing the trousers? Have they become the masters of the house? That can often feel the case and whilst the knee-jerk reaction to that might be that as the parents in our own house, we should still be calling all the shots and making our own decisions, reality is often far more complex.

In a time when children are remaining in the family home long into adulthood, they have to have scope and space to make choices, become independent and feel like adults. Getting the balance right so that each of us feels respected within the shared space and a valued part of the family unit can be tricky though. I am not sure we have managed that yet. Then again, I am not sure I have managed to find what I truly want and where I am trying to get to and that’s at the age of fifty. I frequently find myself wondering where I am headed and asking for guidance from friends or family members or anyone that will listen really. 

Being master of the house and I choose that phrase over mistress as that unfortunately has a whole other set of connotations! Being master of the house or master of any relationship, surely requires you to understand those things? To know what your long term aim and your short term objectives are and have some sort of viable action plan in place of how to get there? Maybe that’s why the trousers are missing in our house. Sure, we both know where we are aiming to be in the long term - mortgage free and both able to stop work and start living some of life’s adventures together. Getting to that point seems to include an unsure pathway and we have certainly stumbled over many of the bumps in that path over the last thirty years. I am sure there will be many more bumps or pitfalls to negotiate in the future but actually, I have to admit that we have also started to find some little stopping points along that path where we are tasting some of life’s adventures. We have been learning the value of enforcing a pause on daily life - taking a time out to think about all that is going on around us. Perhaps the key has been admitting to each other that we don’t really know what we are doing or where we are going but that we’ll keep on trying to work it out together. Who needs to know who the master of this house is anyway? I think it’s the dog! 

We're Not Just Mum and Dad

Half a century I have been alive for: that’s quite a statement to make. I have been married for more time than I have been single: 28 years (to the same man - in case you’re wondering) which is almost three fifths of my life. I suppose we must be doing something right on the marriage front then. In the year when we have both reached our half century, I have found us to be reconnecting in many ways, almost as my husband said, reinventing ourselves.

We walked along a pebble beach today, just the two of us, and talked. Really talked. When you spend time with your partner on a daily basis you would think that you talk all the time wouldn’t you? Trouble is the subject matter is of daily tasks, meeting times, what the kids or the pets have been doing, all that sort of thing. You don’t touch on the big stuff - for that you need space and time.

A mini break by the sea, without the kids, gave us the context to discuss some pretty big stuff. To air how we feel about the ongoing family pressures may not solve presenting issues but it means you don’t have to hold all your thoughts and feelings about it inside your head, for you alone to be processing. This month has seen some big decisions on my part and having the time to talk about them, whilst the waves provide their calming soundtrack was a much needed therapeutic experience. There is something about the sea that touches the soul and it has almost a magical effect upon me - allowing my mind to drift into a floating state instead of its usual racing around agitation.

The phrase ‘headspace’ is heard increasingly and I was sceptical initially about it - surely it’s all just a bit hippy-like? This year, I have come to see the value of giving yourself time for some headspace, even if it was a term I would never have known or used ten years ago. As we walked and talked and sat in the November sunshine, the effects of sharing worries and taking calming measures washed over me, just like the waves would have if I had been brave enough to step into them.

Just having time together, away from the pressures of our work lives and the busy context of the family home, does in itself give you a freedom to appreciate each other and the little joys of being in each other’s company. When your parental responsibilities have lessened to a level that you can actually go out together without the kids, there is a feeling of stepping into the unknown all over again. The first time you do it, perhaps just for a meal out together, you sit there spending all evening talking about the kids and whether they’ll be okay at home. You have a feeling that actually you only function now as a parent and panic that perhaps you have nothing left to say to each other beyond how the parenting is working.

Then you repeat the freedom experience and if you’re lucky, like us, get to a point where you can trust the kids to be left at home whilst you go away for a night or two. This is where the reinventing really takes place. No longer just Mum and Dad, you find yourselves back in that couple role which has at times felt like a distant memory from our youth. Holding hands to walk along together, giggling about an amusing point of conversation, happily sharing the joys of being ‘in the moment,’ to coin the latest mindfulness mantra, is all reminiscent of a time before the weight of responsibilities pressed upon our shoulders. Work-life balance has eluded us lately. Family pressures have impacted upon us. So giving each other space and permission to talk about it all and to step away from such stresses, albeit for just a short time, has felt invaluable.

It is so easy when we all have such busy lives and demanding workloads to power on through the days and weeks and months without paying attention to the little things. It is important to press the pause button occasionally and just notice the details of your life. Somewhere along the way we got so caught up in working and making choices to suit other people that we forgot about ourselves.

Since returning from this short break, the little oasis of time and space, it’s amazing how quickly you plunge back in to the mundane and the turbulence of family crisis or work deadlines. At least, I have found that we are aware that it’s happening. We’re still talking about how we can continue to make time and space for each other. It’s a challenge that remains to be worked at and, I guess, as the Christmas frenzy cranks up, one that will prove more and more elusive for a while. We can’t make such grand gestures like booking rooms away on a regular basis but we have to look at the little things. Looking to the future, we need to give ourselves a break from it all more often. Pause, breathe, laugh or watch the sunset together. Do whatever it takes to put yourself as a couple at the top of the pile for a moment. For although, being Mum and Dad is the best job to have and a privilege to be given, we’re not defined by only that and it is time, perhaps, to be so much more.