Sunshine and Spa Days.

This week has seen me trying something new, which may not seem like much to others but whenever you decide to have a new experience but you’re confidence levels are generally low, it can take a lot to face the unknown. Though this was to be a treat, a way to relax and unwind, I had never been to a spa or had a treatment and so did not know what to expect. A generous thought from a close friend, as a way to have some ‘me time’ - I was set to embrace this as a chance to escape the everyday and to switch off. So, with the odd anxiety about what would follow, we set off for the chance to swim, steam, read, relax and be spoilt with a facial.

As it turned out, I don’t know why I was even anxious about it, but perhaps it’s still those issues I have under the surface of having a poor body image or feeling that for some reason, I don’t deserve to be part of a luxurious lifestyle - if only for an afternoon. That is when you need the support of a husband who is telling you to go have fun and don’t worry about spending a little on yourself to make a nice memory. When you need the comfort of a friend going with you who you know won’t be judging what you look like in your swimsuit and who knows exactly how much you need the experience to just unwind from recent events.

Now a month into my writing adventure- the term I have chosen to call my career break, and I am slowly starting to get my head around my feelings about it and finding a way to organise my time, my responsibilities to family, the dog and the household. I have actually found that it is often half way through the afternoon and I think that I haven’t begun to write again and I wonder how I possibly juggled everything around going to work every day too. Friends ask how things are going and mostly I have positive answers. I have had some days when the outlook has seemed dark but generally, I feel that I am walking towards the sunshine. To do this, I have had to make readjustments in my expectations and so start to find my own way.

Back to the spa afternoon and it has to be said that there is a lot of merit in just doing something new and different. Laying in the darkened treatment room, with calming music playing to match the mood of relaxation, I felt a complete slowing down of both body and soul. Mindfulness has had a lot of press and at times seems a somewhat mocked buzzword but just being in that moment, I could almost imagine my worries and stresses wrapping themselves up in little packages and shipping themselves off to a far flung island. It is certainly an experience I would be happy to repeat.

Somehow, as a Mum, I seem to have been programmed into an inherent belief that there is no place for your own relaxation and self-preservation. Always quick to drop everything to come to the aid of my children or to help out friends or family, it is almost a guilty act to put all such demands on hold and indulge yourself in luxury.
However, having juggled commitments so that I could have that time, I not only found myself refreshed but more able to commit to my writing and to face the ongoing demands of my new daily life with renewed determination. The complete feeling of relaxation seeped through every pore and lasted into the next day, where I had a revelation, a writing revelation. With the mists of self-doubt clearing, I began to write and to enjoy reading back my offerings to the page.

I have a real writing project before me and a clear space to sit in to write it, surrounded by little comforts. Those objects you collect as a Mum that bring a warm memory to mind and a smile to the face. A pebble collected on a beach day with the children which they decorated for Daddy. A couple of favourite photos of the children from many years ago. A writing notice board with quotes and images to inspire and, if I am honest, a nod to the teacher that is still lurking within me for I always liked a board with plans on - just ask anyone that shared a classroom with me! I also have a selection of snazzy stationery nearby, as everybody knows that a writer needs stationery - it’s like a diamond for a diva, the sweet treats within a patisserie or the promise of a toy when you can choose something with the pocket money Grandma gave you clinking in your pocket.

Sitting in my writing space, with a newly found direction, I am at liberty to let the process flow. In recent weeks I have learnt to let this happen, often when walking the dog in the park and feeling the sunshine on my face I have had the best results. Though not able to actually write any of that down at that point in time, it is those moments of touching base with nature - away from the mundane, that the creativity has been sparked.

So I’m developing myself a writing habit and a lifestyle mantra, to help when days seem dark. Write something every day for to do so will eventually find a gem worth keeping. As for a determination to keep going, I have been served well by one quote shared with me by a friend that has truly touched a chord:

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you.”

Walt Whitman

If I may be so indulgent to make my own interpretation, I must keep on having walks in the sunshine and another spa day or two.

We're Not Just Mum and Dad

Half a century I have been alive for: that’s quite a statement to make. I have been married for more time than I have been single: 28 years (to the same man - in case you’re wondering) which is almost three fifths of my life. I suppose we must be doing something right on the marriage front then. In the year when we have both reached our half century, I have found us to be reconnecting in many ways, almost as my husband said, reinventing ourselves.

We walked along a pebble beach today, just the two of us, and talked. Really talked. When you spend time with your partner on a daily basis you would think that you talk all the time wouldn’t you? Trouble is the subject matter is of daily tasks, meeting times, what the kids or the pets have been doing, all that sort of thing. You don’t touch on the big stuff - for that you need space and time.

A mini break by the sea, without the kids, gave us the context to discuss some pretty big stuff. To air how we feel about the ongoing family pressures may not solve presenting issues but it means you don’t have to hold all your thoughts and feelings about it inside your head, for you alone to be processing. This month has seen some big decisions on my part and having the time to talk about them, whilst the waves provide their calming soundtrack was a much needed therapeutic experience. There is something about the sea that touches the soul and it has almost a magical effect upon me - allowing my mind to drift into a floating state instead of its usual racing around agitation.

The phrase ‘headspace’ is heard increasingly and I was sceptical initially about it - surely it’s all just a bit hippy-like? This year, I have come to see the value of giving yourself time for some headspace, even if it was a term I would never have known or used ten years ago. As we walked and talked and sat in the November sunshine, the effects of sharing worries and taking calming measures washed over me, just like the waves would have if I had been brave enough to step into them.

Just having time together, away from the pressures of our work lives and the busy context of the family home, does in itself give you a freedom to appreciate each other and the little joys of being in each other’s company. When your parental responsibilities have lessened to a level that you can actually go out together without the kids, there is a feeling of stepping into the unknown all over again. The first time you do it, perhaps just for a meal out together, you sit there spending all evening talking about the kids and whether they’ll be okay at home. You have a feeling that actually you only function now as a parent and panic that perhaps you have nothing left to say to each other beyond how the parenting is working.

Then you repeat the freedom experience and if you’re lucky, like us, get to a point where you can trust the kids to be left at home whilst you go away for a night or two. This is where the reinventing really takes place. No longer just Mum and Dad, you find yourselves back in that couple role which has at times felt like a distant memory from our youth. Holding hands to walk along together, giggling about an amusing point of conversation, happily sharing the joys of being ‘in the moment,’ to coin the latest mindfulness mantra, is all reminiscent of a time before the weight of responsibilities pressed upon our shoulders. Work-life balance has eluded us lately. Family pressures have impacted upon us. So giving each other space and permission to talk about it all and to step away from such stresses, albeit for just a short time, has felt invaluable.

It is so easy when we all have such busy lives and demanding workloads to power on through the days and weeks and months without paying attention to the little things. It is important to press the pause button occasionally and just notice the details of your life. Somewhere along the way we got so caught up in working and making choices to suit other people that we forgot about ourselves.

Since returning from this short break, the little oasis of time and space, it’s amazing how quickly you plunge back in to the mundane and the turbulence of family crisis or work deadlines. At least, I have found that we are aware that it’s happening. We’re still talking about how we can continue to make time and space for each other. It’s a challenge that remains to be worked at and, I guess, as the Christmas frenzy cranks up, one that will prove more and more elusive for a while. We can’t make such grand gestures like booking rooms away on a regular basis but we have to look at the little things. Looking to the future, we need to give ourselves a break from it all more often. Pause, breathe, laugh or watch the sunset together. Do whatever it takes to put yourself as a couple at the top of the pile for a moment. For although, being Mum and Dad is the best job to have and a privilege to be given, we’re not defined by only that and it is time, perhaps, to be so much more.