Searching for Sunsets

Have you seen some of the fantastic sunsets in recent weeks? When the weather has been unseasonably warm for February, we have been afforded the delight of majestic masterpieces as the days draw to a close. Struck by their beauty, I have been caught up in a mood of reflection. I am taking it to be a good sign as I am considering where I stand on my journey and feel an acceptance of my situation. I started this year with several weeks of turmoil as I attempted to look ahead to the unknown. I was obviously searching for answers and a plan for myself within the coming months and felt adrift on a sea of uncertainty. An evocative image, a poetic spin on what felt unsettling at the time, as I kept trying to rationalise what I was doing and make sense of how I would be able to move forward. Steps that I have since taken have brought me to an understanding that no plan actually is a plan for my own well-being.

It is funny how since I have adjusted to where I am now, I have allowed myself to think back to how things were a year ago, and have found myself asking where we now find ourselves. Thankfully the disruption of major house renovations are past and we are all settled into the new spaces created from it. I love the oasis of calm that our loft bedroom has become. Clean lines, limited clutter and views across the rooftops combine to create a positive space. Having had years of trying to unwind at the end of a day in the one room that we had never got round to decorating, a room full of furniture that never really fitted the space, it is now actually restful to go to bed, chat about our day or plans for the week ahead and snuggle up for the night. I don’t know if it is a common practice, but we always had that mentality of it only being us who saw the space so why bother making too much effort for a room that we spent little time awake in. I wish now that we could have put energy into rectifying that years ago, for the calm now is helping to seep into the fabric of our everyday and helping us both to manage better.

My children now have their bedrooms and space for their respective creative outlets: art and music. Now that my eldest has finished university and has his new band embarking on a programme of weekly gigs, there is a lot of music in the house. It isn’t all confined to the studio space that he has either, for the sounds and equipment have started to spill out all over the house. I hope he’s very grateful for the indulgence when he becomes rich and famous! I expect that’s the sunset that he is searching for. Until then, I am guessing that he and his equipment will be permanently resident in our house for many years to come and we will all just have to accommodate that.

I am not sure what this phase of our relationship has become - the parent- child relationship once the child has become an adult. No longer a situation where the parents hold all the power or control cards in the deck, more that we stumble along finding ways to co-exist, live alongside each other, re-establishing rules of living within a shared space. I am not sure we have managed that trick yet and I think some days that a better balance is needed, one where we as the parents don’t have all the responsibilities and all the chores and none of the freedoms that youth and exuberance enjoy. I guess I still have a way to go in adjusting my expectations so that I don’t keep defaulting to the ‘Mum position’ running around and clearing up after everyone. Not having a ‘recognised job’ certainly adds to the perception that my role is the maid and dog walker and whilst I am happy to take on a fair share of all of that, I am still working at speaking up to get some help in this – after all, I don’t make all the mess.

It is true that the physical differences to the house and the circumstances surrounding jobs and career moves have changed, but so too has my outlook. I suppose I have been given the luxury of space and an ability to pause for all this reflection. I have moved forward with my stress management and well-being and although I know I am still climbing that confidence mountain, making footholds for myself with each achievement along the way, I am gaining momentum. The anaemia and associated health issues seem to be more under control since Christmas which in turn, is helping my mood. All of that is positive, even if I have gained a little weight in the process. I’m guessing you can’t have it all! Less comfort eating and more getting out as the weather improves to exercise and feel the sun on my face will help with all of it though. I can’t be the only one who has the winter comfort bulge to tackle?

Then of course, the major difference from a year ago is that I am now writing every day. Having no expectations has meant that I have now relaxed into a writing habit - writing every day and missing the process if there is a day where I have been prevented from doing so. I currently have several projects running at the same time: these blog pieces, scripts to create and edit and a book – where my energies have mostly been channelled. When all the chores of the day are done and the dropping off or picking up of the children, shopping and so on is complete, I am excited to sit at my desk and write. Absorbed in the process, I feel as if I have different coloured threads from scattered garments all around me and as I type, I am working hard to pull together these many strands and weave them into a whole - something magnificent, or at least something that holds together when you hold it up for others to see. The jury is out on that score, for I am yet to get to the feedback stage. As I edit, and re-edit, it is with trepidation that I await responses from initial readings. But that is all for the future, for some sunset yet to be searched out. Now I must admit that I have made a long journey, emotionally and in my writing, and need to be content to play in the long shadows of an afternoon. There is no rush, I might just pause and sip tea and look around a while longer.

Sunshine and Spa Days.

This week has seen me trying something new, which may not seem like much to others but whenever you decide to have a new experience but you’re confidence levels are generally low, it can take a lot to face the unknown. Though this was to be a treat, a way to relax and unwind, I had never been to a spa or had a treatment and so did not know what to expect. A generous thought from a close friend, as a way to have some ‘me time’ - I was set to embrace this as a chance to escape the everyday and to switch off. So, with the odd anxiety about what would follow, we set off for the chance to swim, steam, read, relax and be spoilt with a facial.

As it turned out, I don’t know why I was even anxious about it, but perhaps it’s still those issues I have under the surface of having a poor body image or feeling that for some reason, I don’t deserve to be part of a luxurious lifestyle - if only for an afternoon. That is when you need the support of a husband who is telling you to go have fun and don’t worry about spending a little on yourself to make a nice memory. When you need the comfort of a friend going with you who you know won’t be judging what you look like in your swimsuit and who knows exactly how much you need the experience to just unwind from recent events.

Now a month into my writing adventure- the term I have chosen to call my career break, and I am slowly starting to get my head around my feelings about it and finding a way to organise my time, my responsibilities to family, the dog and the household. I have actually found that it is often half way through the afternoon and I think that I haven’t begun to write again and I wonder how I possibly juggled everything around going to work every day too. Friends ask how things are going and mostly I have positive answers. I have had some days when the outlook has seemed dark but generally, I feel that I am walking towards the sunshine. To do this, I have had to make readjustments in my expectations and so start to find my own way.

Back to the spa afternoon and it has to be said that there is a lot of merit in just doing something new and different. Laying in the darkened treatment room, with calming music playing to match the mood of relaxation, I felt a complete slowing down of both body and soul. Mindfulness has had a lot of press and at times seems a somewhat mocked buzzword but just being in that moment, I could almost imagine my worries and stresses wrapping themselves up in little packages and shipping themselves off to a far flung island. It is certainly an experience I would be happy to repeat.

Somehow, as a Mum, I seem to have been programmed into an inherent belief that there is no place for your own relaxation and self-preservation. Always quick to drop everything to come to the aid of my children or to help out friends or family, it is almost a guilty act to put all such demands on hold and indulge yourself in luxury.
However, having juggled commitments so that I could have that time, I not only found myself refreshed but more able to commit to my writing and to face the ongoing demands of my new daily life with renewed determination. The complete feeling of relaxation seeped through every pore and lasted into the next day, where I had a revelation, a writing revelation. With the mists of self-doubt clearing, I began to write and to enjoy reading back my offerings to the page.

I have a real writing project before me and a clear space to sit in to write it, surrounded by little comforts. Those objects you collect as a Mum that bring a warm memory to mind and a smile to the face. A pebble collected on a beach day with the children which they decorated for Daddy. A couple of favourite photos of the children from many years ago. A writing notice board with quotes and images to inspire and, if I am honest, a nod to the teacher that is still lurking within me for I always liked a board with plans on - just ask anyone that shared a classroom with me! I also have a selection of snazzy stationery nearby, as everybody knows that a writer needs stationery - it’s like a diamond for a diva, the sweet treats within a patisserie or the promise of a toy when you can choose something with the pocket money Grandma gave you clinking in your pocket.

Sitting in my writing space, with a newly found direction, I am at liberty to let the process flow. In recent weeks I have learnt to let this happen, often when walking the dog in the park and feeling the sunshine on my face I have had the best results. Though not able to actually write any of that down at that point in time, it is those moments of touching base with nature - away from the mundane, that the creativity has been sparked.

So I’m developing myself a writing habit and a lifestyle mantra, to help when days seem dark. Write something every day for to do so will eventually find a gem worth keeping. As for a determination to keep going, I have been served well by one quote shared with me by a friend that has truly touched a chord:

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you.”

Walt Whitman

If I may be so indulgent to make my own interpretation, I must keep on having walks in the sunshine and another spa day or two.