Searching for Sunsets

Have you seen some of the fantastic sunsets in recent weeks? When the weather has been unseasonably warm for February, we have been afforded the delight of majestic masterpieces as the days draw to a close. Struck by their beauty, I have been caught up in a mood of reflection. I am taking it to be a good sign as I am considering where I stand on my journey and feel an acceptance of my situation. I started this year with several weeks of turmoil as I attempted to look ahead to the unknown. I was obviously searching for answers and a plan for myself within the coming months and felt adrift on a sea of uncertainty. An evocative image, a poetic spin on what felt unsettling at the time, as I kept trying to rationalise what I was doing and make sense of how I would be able to move forward. Steps that I have since taken have brought me to an understanding that no plan actually is a plan for my own well-being.

It is funny how since I have adjusted to where I am now, I have allowed myself to think back to how things were a year ago, and have found myself asking where we now find ourselves. Thankfully the disruption of major house renovations are past and we are all settled into the new spaces created from it. I love the oasis of calm that our loft bedroom has become. Clean lines, limited clutter and views across the rooftops combine to create a positive space. Having had years of trying to unwind at the end of a day in the one room that we had never got round to decorating, a room full of furniture that never really fitted the space, it is now actually restful to go to bed, chat about our day or plans for the week ahead and snuggle up for the night. I don’t know if it is a common practice, but we always had that mentality of it only being us who saw the space so why bother making too much effort for a room that we spent little time awake in. I wish now that we could have put energy into rectifying that years ago, for the calm now is helping to seep into the fabric of our everyday and helping us both to manage better.

My children now have their bedrooms and space for their respective creative outlets: art and music. Now that my eldest has finished university and has his new band embarking on a programme of weekly gigs, there is a lot of music in the house. It isn’t all confined to the studio space that he has either, for the sounds and equipment have started to spill out all over the house. I hope he’s very grateful for the indulgence when he becomes rich and famous! I expect that’s the sunset that he is searching for. Until then, I am guessing that he and his equipment will be permanently resident in our house for many years to come and we will all just have to accommodate that.

I am not sure what this phase of our relationship has become - the parent- child relationship once the child has become an adult. No longer a situation where the parents hold all the power or control cards in the deck, more that we stumble along finding ways to co-exist, live alongside each other, re-establishing rules of living within a shared space. I am not sure we have managed that trick yet and I think some days that a better balance is needed, one where we as the parents don’t have all the responsibilities and all the chores and none of the freedoms that youth and exuberance enjoy. I guess I still have a way to go in adjusting my expectations so that I don’t keep defaulting to the ‘Mum position’ running around and clearing up after everyone. Not having a ‘recognised job’ certainly adds to the perception that my role is the maid and dog walker and whilst I am happy to take on a fair share of all of that, I am still working at speaking up to get some help in this – after all, I don’t make all the mess.

It is true that the physical differences to the house and the circumstances surrounding jobs and career moves have changed, but so too has my outlook. I suppose I have been given the luxury of space and an ability to pause for all this reflection. I have moved forward with my stress management and well-being and although I know I am still climbing that confidence mountain, making footholds for myself with each achievement along the way, I am gaining momentum. The anaemia and associated health issues seem to be more under control since Christmas which in turn, is helping my mood. All of that is positive, even if I have gained a little weight in the process. I’m guessing you can’t have it all! Less comfort eating and more getting out as the weather improves to exercise and feel the sun on my face will help with all of it though. I can’t be the only one who has the winter comfort bulge to tackle?

Then of course, the major difference from a year ago is that I am now writing every day. Having no expectations has meant that I have now relaxed into a writing habit - writing every day and missing the process if there is a day where I have been prevented from doing so. I currently have several projects running at the same time: these blog pieces, scripts to create and edit and a book – where my energies have mostly been channelled. When all the chores of the day are done and the dropping off or picking up of the children, shopping and so on is complete, I am excited to sit at my desk and write. Absorbed in the process, I feel as if I have different coloured threads from scattered garments all around me and as I type, I am working hard to pull together these many strands and weave them into a whole - something magnificent, or at least something that holds together when you hold it up for others to see. The jury is out on that score, for I am yet to get to the feedback stage. As I edit, and re-edit, it is with trepidation that I await responses from initial readings. But that is all for the future, for some sunset yet to be searched out. Now I must admit that I have made a long journey, emotionally and in my writing, and need to be content to play in the long shadows of an afternoon. There is no rush, I might just pause and sip tea and look around a while longer.

Some Days You Just Have To Eat Crap!

This blog has been a long time in the pipeline, for this phrase came to light months ago when talking to a friend and we joked together that I should write a piece called just that. It is a phrase that we use when we have had a day when we have felt the need to eat too many carbs, or something sugary or fatty – often to fulfill a craving of the body or to lift a mood of the mind. When one of us have felt the often related pangs of guilt afterwards and communicated this to the other, we now have come to that understanding to reassure each other with, “It’s okay, some days you just have to eat crap!”

Since the blog has been going and people have begun to read it regularly and are aware that I am writing it, there are a few times when individuals have said that I should write about a specific subject, perhaps that we have been discussing together. Other times, in mid-conversation something funny might arise and together we’ve even joked- be careful or it will end up in her blog!

I suppose that’s what writers do. They join in the everyday, just as everyone else does, but they catch hold of a part of it and examine it microscopically through their notes on a page. Like a child might grasp a dandelion clock as it floats by on the wind, examining its beauty before blowing the fluffy seeds further on their journey to fulfill the wishes they’ve just made - a writer grasps a seemingly insignificant aspect of the everyday, finds its beauty and let’s that then take flight, with the flow of their pen and the imagination of the reader to join up the dots provided. I’ve always been fascinated by the scenes constructed in my mind when reading a book. Granted, the writer has evoked a setting and a character from the choices they have presented but the joy of realisation is within each reader’s imagination. How many times have you been disappointed by a film or dramatisation of a cherished book because the protagonist does not match up to how you had cast it all in your head?

Okay, so far you’re thinking ‘What has this got to do with eating anything?’ I do like a tangent, and when one presents itself I enjoy seeing where the journey will take me - today it appears to be from crap to dandelions! In writing this I have discovered that the dandelion is a symbol of the ability to rise above life’s challenges. It is linked to wish fulfillment, long lasting happiness and youthful joy. (According to the website www.flowermeaning.com ) Well, we could all do with some of those things in our life, couldn’t we? On the days when such goals feel a pole apart from where we stand, when we need the tenacity of a dandelion to find our crack in the concrete to push onwards and upwards, when we need some crumbs of comfort to rise above the challenges we have been given - that’s when we need to eat crap.

There, I made the link!

I’m guessing that you all know the days that I mean? The best of us, the ones committed to exercise routines and beneficial food swaps, the smoothie swigging, gym attending, spinach eating best of us - all have these days, don’t we? I have done well over the last year to adopt some of the healthy habits that we all know to be good for the body and mind. Since starting this New Year - on my career break - I’ve actively worked to keep some of these aspects in my daily routine. Good food choices, exercise, aspirational thinking - all of those things. But I have to admit that without the structure of the daily working grind- it is a battle to do so at times. Yesterday, I truly did have a day when you just have to eat crap. I had the wrong stuff, then some more of it, far too much of it and then, just before bedtime, a little bit more of it. A crap-fest extraordinaire!

Today, I am parking that to one side. I have retired to my writing best, the sun is shining through the window and I am writing. There are no dandelions in sight right now, but I did see some snowdrops when I walked the dog last week. A blanket of tenacious white bells offering the hope of Spring, warmth and an invitation to run in the woods and leave life’s crap behind.

Does anyone want to join me?

Fabulous is a State of Mind

As I have said before in my post ‘Confined by my Cage of Confidence’, I had decided that I wasn't going to be 50 and fat so I started working on that at the start of January. As the weight has started coming off and I find myself hurtling towards my milestone birthday, an idea has started to form in my mind of being fabulous at 50.

It's the sort of tag line you read on a greetings card or a headline in some celebrity magazine that you glimpse when thumbing through the pages, as you're in the hairdressers waiting for the colour on your roots to take. For those pages though, it’s all a perception played out to portray the elusive image of womanhood. The everyday woman doesn't have access to Photoshop, airbrushing and a personal trainer who will work his magic with you every morning - more's the pity!

It takes a lot of product and time and effort to come anywhere close to the celebrity fabulous that every 50-something is going for! Actually, we're not going for that look at all. Don't get me wrong, we all love to dress up and slap on some make-up, blow dry our hair and paint our nails for a special occasion. It makes you feel good in yourself and adds an extra sass to your steps. 

But on a daily basis, feeling fabulous surely has to go further than applying all that fake veneer, doesn't it? If you don't feel good within yourself, the rest is just a mask you wear to join in the grown-up's game of pretending everything is fine. The inside feeling of being fabulous takes a lot longer to achieve and it can be quite fleeting at times and take many forms. It may only be a little thing but it can have a cumulative effect: the times when I have successfully tried a new baking recipe and seen how much it has been enjoyed; when I have completed a difficult and demanding work task to meet a deadline; when I have spent an evening with friends and laughed until I ached and can’t even remember what it was that started us laughing. Valuing these moments has been part of pursuing my fabulous quest this year. 

Prior to losing weight, I would put myself down regularly and outwardly joke that I was fat, like a mechanism to protect myself it was almost like if I said it first,  then no-one else could comment and upset me. But a good friend pulled me up on this and got me thinking about why I was doing this. The knock on effect of this was that I started my weight loss efforts because I made myself stop having permission to be fat. My default to excuse myself by joking about it was no longer going to be acceptable to me.

When you've been big for a long time, it takes a long time to start to see the shrinking version of yourself. It's like a moth to a flame, picking up the larger clothes first and trying on bigger sizes than I actually need. Inside there's been this slimmer, more attractive and outgoing person waiting to be released and the big me, that's still in my mind, stands in the way sometimes.

To anyone who doesn't know me, I imagine I would still be judged as fat.  Though I've dropped 2 to 3 dress sizes, I'm still not catered for in some high street stores and I know I have a way to go yet. In my head though, I have begun to feel more attractive and with that a certain body confidence and self-image is growing. That's the fabulous bit. When people tell you that you're looking good, when you've noticed that you're less out of breath, when you've started to look at the sort of slinky clothes that you thought no longer belonged in your boudoir, that's fabulous isn't it?

Don't get me wrong, it's not all about the weight.  This year has seen a sort of awakening within me, as I've started to talk with friends about the darker places that I've been to, I've gained the confidence to explore what's been going on. The strain of shelving my emotions, shutting them up in a box on a high shelf has a negative effect over time. It's hard to feel fabulous when you've become disengaged and you're going through the motions of your everyday reality. Unlocking these inner thoughts hasn't always been easy. I think I've cried more tears this year than in the last ten and at times, it has felt like I've opened a flood gate. Yet, it has been a journey that friends have supported me on.

Writing this down has felt like the next stage of the process really – a therapy in itself. I start a page and it's as if I'm unlocking a series of doors in the hallway of my mind. To write is to create. This type of writing has allowed me to create a channel to process my emotions and lay them out there for others to see too. Some may take comfort from what they see laid out before them and perhaps recognise a little of it in themselves. Some may have no interest in it at all. Either way, there has been a response to the words on a page. An artist's work is always a portrayal of part of themselves and the exhibition process inherently stands that up alongside the artwork.

My words and thoughts, tumbled as they do from mind to page, are not nearly as grand as an artwork but they obviously represent a piece of me. Someone said it was brave of me to write about my thoughts and issues. I don't know if it is brave or foolish. I do know that it has felt like a natural step from the year of examining myself from the inside out. I'm feeling more okay with my thoughts and I'm planning to keep doing the things that bring a smile to my face. Mindful of actively adding positive experiences will in itself enable me to meet the negatives more head on. There are parts of my life that continue to cause me stress and currently, I have no control over these. I’m working on it but at least recognising that and asking my family and friends to help me with it, is making things more manageable. I have spent time coming to terms with who I am and where I want to go and I am determined to hit the next decade positively. So I am working on my chosen quest and slowly succeeding as, it has to be said, fabulous is a state of mind.

What makes you feel fabulous? You owe it to yourself to pick something and go for it - have your own regular fabulous moments.