Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

This piece is difficult to write for it requires me to look at decisions I have made in the past, confront feelings and think about a difficult subject matter. It has arisen as a result of a couple of conversations which started me thinking as I wandered off down a writing path- a process that I have become accustomed to this year. My food for thought was that in the past I had become quite adept at covering up an emotion, tucking it away into the shadowy corners of my mind and mostly leaving it there to quietly fester. This new writing habit of mine is providing a Spring clean, throwing open the shutters and illuminating such emotions until they are processed and dealt with.

Whilst tucking up a thought or emotion until such time as you have the strength to examine it is acceptable and at times a positive coping strategy, the same should not be recommended for a medical issue. Yet, over the years there has been more than one occasion when I have persisted in ignoring a nagging symptom. All the rational voices in my head have had their say, advocating the value of early intervention if a symptom turns out to be something sinister. I like to think that I am a reasonably intelligent woman and I certainly know about the need for regular check-ups and how swift action can often resolve issues. So why did I wait or put off seeking medical advice?

One time this was the case was when I eventually ended up having a hernia operation, following a prolonged period of time where I procrastinated and hoped the lump I had noticed was just my imagination and the pain would disappear over time. Before talking to the nurse to start the necessary intervention process, I distinctly remember conversations in my own head. Like the proverbial good and bad characters perched one upon each shoulder, playing out a dialogue to decide my next move. I knew I should take action but the fear of what the lump might be held me back from action. I recall the driving thought behind this: “if it’s the worst, once you know, life will never be the same again, the bubble will be burst.”

That brings me to the question of whether ignorance is bliss. If you have discovered something worrying, learnt a fact about someone you care about that gives you cause for concern, it starts to colour your view of them. Once you know something, you can’t un-know it. I think I used that as an excuse for my inaction, feeling the need to hold onto a status quo until such point as the necessity for medical intervention outweighed this. I knew I should be proactive and confront a worry, a nagging symptom, for to ignore it would not make it go away, in fact it would merely allow it the worry to gradually seep into everything. I witnessed an illustration of this when a speaker put a few drops of food colouring into a large bowl of water to show how quickly one seemingly insignificant thought can spread and change all around it.

This year I have been slowly catching up with those necessary health checks that women of my age should have but I had put off as part of putting myself last. Whilst in the throes of dealing with the stressful situation I found myself in last year, it was easier to put off necessary appointments. No one really wants to have checks like smear tests and mammograms, exposing your most private parts whilst engaging in polite small talk but despite the embarrassment factor and the mild discomfort of the procedures, they’re actually done in a few minutes and can prevent a whole heap of trouble. I knew all of that but still couldn’t put myself in the right frame of mind to go ahead. Now that many of last year’s stresses have alleviated I am on top of all these things and it was of a huge relief to discover that all is well. Waiting on results when you have begun to suspect a few symptoms is a worrying thing and met only in intensity by the relief of knowing that you’ve had a positive outcome. Only this week, I received my mammogram result and had that moment of holding the envelope for a few moments first, wondering what the letter inside was going to say. The relief that came with the results, reflected in the lift in my mood for the rest of the week.

There are aspects of my health, both physical and mental that I am still learning about and that I am discovering are commonplace during the peri-menopause. Most of my discovery process has been through personal internet research or discussion with friends of a similar age. Beyond that, I have often felt that I don’t have facts and know little about what I should expect. That is of little comfort when you’re sat wondering if anyone else shares what you’re going through, when your anxiety could be alleviated and your mood lifted by knowing that both those things and the original symptoms that you were concerned about were all part of the normal picture for women. In that regard, ignorance is definitely not bliss.