Just Keep Swimming

To be a parent is at times akin to taking on the properties of a length of elastic. Often being pulled simultaneously in different directions there can be days when you feel that one end or the other is going to reach the point when it all snaps or at the very least, is stretched incredibly thin. Mostly we reform ourselves each day, back into working order, like a durable elastic waistband holding everything up. But what about the odd days when we have frayed too much, snapped and all falls down to reveal your metaphorical undies?

This week a friend reached out to me for advice during one such time when the demands of parenthood felt all too overwhelming for her, asking me what you should do when all you can give did not seem enough. It made me think. Being a parent is a permanent thing and more often than not it is the best job in the world. Yet at our lowest points, when we can feel that all around us might be judging our decisions, it can be a thankless and lonely task.

I have often got it wrong and continue to do so. I in no way have all the answers but I suppose I at least have a track record. With over twenty years of being a parent, you gain some perspective and at least a bank of experiences to draw upon – be they good or bad in the results that they achieved.

Growing up is a complex adventure and making adjustments as a parent to the relationship that you have with your children as they grow up, is also complicated. The phrase ‘they will always be your babies’ may well hold a truth in that you will always feel the need to be reassured that they are safe, happy and supported in their lives. Adjusting how you do this takes some effort, so that their independence and identity is not stifled but that your own well-being is not compromised by being taken for granted or by always playing second fiddle to the tune that they call.

Our house has grown over the years to accommodate our needs by which I mostly mean our children’s hobbies and associated paraphernalia, but really I suppose I mean to accommodate spaces for us all. With my daughter fast approaching a milestone birthday, we will soon officially have four adults in our house – and many days when this number is added to as friends drop in frequently. We are fortunate to have a comfortably-sized house but within that it has been important to carve out spaces for us to escape. Sometimes to escape each other for a while, sometimes to escape the world, the pressures of work or the decisions to be made.

Thinking back to the call for help mentioned earlier – there was much tied up within it about the need for space. Giving yourself space as a parent to pause from juggling all the balls at once, to tell yourself that it is okay to drop the balls some days. Busy families and busy working lives can leave us drained emotionally and it is important to give ourselves the space to step back from it all, to ask for advice, or to block out an hour or two from it all to drink coffee, eat cake and giggle about random shared experiences.

None of us truly know what others are going through or what they may be coping with on a daily basis. Many take on the appearance of a graceful swan and look for all the world as if they are gliding through life majestically without a worry. Onlookers do nto see how furiously hard the feet are paddling beneath the murky pond waters just to keep on course. As parents we see those other swans and can feel like an ugly duckling in comparison but we all have our water ways to navigate.

Before pausing my life to write, my teaching career gave me many experiences to draw upon as a parent. Strategies that worked for behaviour management or in supporting a child’s needs in school could often be mirrored or adapted at home with my own children. However, it doesn’t always work that way. We all know how differently children can appear to be within the two contrasting environments of home and school. General, everyday parenting I gained confidence in. When life becomes complicated by changes, additional needs, moving on to new phases as your children grow – then I could be left floundering around looking for answers. When you feel like you’re getting it wrong with your own children, there is an incredible pressure to resolve it, a guilt that you have made a wrong decision, a need to make things right with the world just as it was when a simple baby cuddle was all that was needed.

All of that has to contribute to the pressure being put on that elastic. It’s good to know who you can rely on at such times, to remind you that you are doing a good job. Keep on paddling, swans, you’ve got this.