Some Days You Just Have To Eat Crap!

This blog has been a long time in the pipeline, for this phrase came to light months ago when talking to a friend and we joked together that I should write a piece called just that. It is a phrase that we use when we have had a day when we have felt the need to eat too many carbs, or something sugary or fatty – often to fulfill a craving of the body or to lift a mood of the mind. When one of us have felt the often related pangs of guilt afterwards and communicated this to the other, we now have come to that understanding to reassure each other with, “It’s okay, some days you just have to eat crap!”

Since the blog has been going and people have begun to read it regularly and are aware that I am writing it, there are a few times when individuals have said that I should write about a specific subject, perhaps that we have been discussing together. Other times, in mid-conversation something funny might arise and together we’ve even joked- be careful or it will end up in her blog!

I suppose that’s what writers do. They join in the everyday, just as everyone else does, but they catch hold of a part of it and examine it microscopically through their notes on a page. Like a child might grasp a dandelion clock as it floats by on the wind, examining its beauty before blowing the fluffy seeds further on their journey to fulfill the wishes they’ve just made - a writer grasps a seemingly insignificant aspect of the everyday, finds its beauty and let’s that then take flight, with the flow of their pen and the imagination of the reader to join up the dots provided. I’ve always been fascinated by the scenes constructed in my mind when reading a book. Granted, the writer has evoked a setting and a character from the choices they have presented but the joy of realisation is within each reader’s imagination. How many times have you been disappointed by a film or dramatisation of a cherished book because the protagonist does not match up to how you had cast it all in your head?

Okay, so far you’re thinking ‘What has this got to do with eating anything?’ I do like a tangent, and when one presents itself I enjoy seeing where the journey will take me - today it appears to be from crap to dandelions! In writing this I have discovered that the dandelion is a symbol of the ability to rise above life’s challenges. It is linked to wish fulfillment, long lasting happiness and youthful joy. (According to the website www.flowermeaning.com ) Well, we could all do with some of those things in our life, couldn’t we? On the days when such goals feel a pole apart from where we stand, when we need the tenacity of a dandelion to find our crack in the concrete to push onwards and upwards, when we need some crumbs of comfort to rise above the challenges we have been given - that’s when we need to eat crap.

There, I made the link!

I’m guessing that you all know the days that I mean? The best of us, the ones committed to exercise routines and beneficial food swaps, the smoothie swigging, gym attending, spinach eating best of us - all have these days, don’t we? I have done well over the last year to adopt some of the healthy habits that we all know to be good for the body and mind. Since starting this New Year - on my career break - I’ve actively worked to keep some of these aspects in my daily routine. Good food choices, exercise, aspirational thinking - all of those things. But I have to admit that without the structure of the daily working grind- it is a battle to do so at times. Yesterday, I truly did have a day when you just have to eat crap. I had the wrong stuff, then some more of it, far too much of it and then, just before bedtime, a little bit more of it. A crap-fest extraordinaire!

Today, I am parking that to one side. I have retired to my writing best, the sun is shining through the window and I am writing. There are no dandelions in sight right now, but I did see some snowdrops when I walked the dog last week. A blanket of tenacious white bells offering the hope of Spring, warmth and an invitation to run in the woods and leave life’s crap behind.

Does anyone want to join me?

As Yet Untitled

Standing outside of the herd, being separate from the crowd, having the courage to stop drifting along with the general tide, whatever you want to call it - doing something different brings with it danger and uncertainty.

Recent blogs have detailed the journey I have been on these past few months to arrive here, an ex-teacher looking to regain some sanity and self-esteem by being different. No longer following the daily work drudge but instead having no particular rules and having space and time to write, to be creative, to do something new.
Many well-wishers have supported this decision and backed it up with positive messages about being brave enough to follow my dreams, not knowing where I will go or what I can achieve until I take the first step – until I take that leap of faith. Well I’m committed to it now. Whilst my immediate family and close friends see the necessity of the decision and indeed, have spurred me on so that I feel supported and am being encouraged to face what lies ahead as an opportunity to be grabbed, I have entered the New Year wondering how much of a rose-tinted facade I am building for myself. Am I just kidding myself with all this talk of writing and creativity? Have I not just dressed up an inability to cope in the restraints of the job I had, in a romanticised scene where I am acting as the protagonist – a writer whose character has just been given the space she has craved all these years to blossom? Should I be pursuing such a pretence or just knuckle down and find myself a real job, like everyone else does? That’s a lot of questions.

Having just watched a wildlife documentary I was struck at how easy it is for the predators of life to pick off the weakest, those struggling to keep up at the fringes of the pack. I am all too aware that I have my own inner predators waiting in the corners of my mind. Doubt, comfort-eater, self-criticism and many more that could so easily manifest themselves. In order to survive these I know I need to be somewhat proactive. In years gone by, I have easily sunk into a routine of watching junk TV, eating junk food and following a junk sort of lifestyle when I felt low, or preoccupied by negative thoughts. Having done so well with my weight loss and trying so hard to make the most of myself, the ‘fabulous at fifty’ initiative, I really cannot afford to let it all slip as the year unfolds, even though I feel myself moving to the fringes of the societal pack at the moment.

Next week I would have been starting the Spring Term, if I had not resigned, something which has been my life’s pattern for as long as I can remember. I went from being at school myself, to training to teach at university, to teaching my first class - all governed by the academic calendar. Instead, I don’t know exactly what I will be doing. Aware of how I might be feeling, both my husband and a good friend have made arrangements so that I am doing something special on two days of that week and I have had many more friends make it clear that they are around if I need them too. I feel very lucky that I have such people in my life who are looking out for me. Now is the time to look out for myself too.

There are many mindfulness sites extolling the virtues of positive words and deeds. I read one quote exploring how much difference one positive thought can make, how trying to start each day with one can make an impact upon the rest of it. Like the Spike Milligan poem describing the infectious nature of a smile, treating yourself kindly and actively focusing on the positive must have a ripple effect. It is an outcome that you have to actively pursue though, like training an inner voice to remark upon the positive from the everyday.

So I have started my year by writing each day, writing whatever pops into my head. I am sure a lot of it will be of no consequence to anyone, but the mere act of writing it is a process I am finding cathartic and positive, so I guess it does not matter what I am writing. For now, the pages of my writing diary form their own exclusive audience and that is enough.

Change is frightening, but nothing new happens without change. Some things will be worse, some will be better. I may find it hard to come to terms with some things, most probably things that I have not yet even considered. For now, I must not allow myself to worry about what this might include. Face forward and keep going, nobody knows what awaits them around the next turning so in that, I am not alone. This chapter of my life has no predetermined direction, no name to describe it and no designated end point. In a year’s time, I may have some answers or some shape to this chapter, all of that remains to be seen. Until then, the chapter remains untitled and is perhaps as all good writers find, the last part of the writing jigsaw to fall into place. When researching the writing process, it is apparent that a good title is an organic process that emerges from the writing – as the words fall onto the page, not – as in many Literacy lessons in classrooms, - an imposed label on which to write a formulaic response. So here I am, Mollie the blogger with an article: As Yet Untitled.

Overwhelmed and Out of Time

This term will be my last after 16 years supporting the children and families of one school, and about 27 years of teaching altogether. The decision to leave education was huge for me as I consider myself to have been good at what I do: igniting fire in young minds as I have built relationships with the children in my care, working hard to support their families and also being there to listen and help out colleagues however I could.

I am sad to say that I no longer feel able to do the job that I trained for and that I developed an expertise in, as the direction that education has taken has brought with it so many obstacles that I have found the people that matter, the children, have been lost amongst the targets, the red taped package of Ofsted and monitoring and the tick box exercises of daily teaching. It is with much soul searching that I have had to accept that I cannot continue trying to reach the goals set externally and have been left overwhelmed by a system that currently appears to be unsustainable for the long term positive future of the profession and the wellbeing of our children.

I accept that I have been struggling with family issues which have centred around both physical and mental health of different individuals within the family, alongside the process of managing a highly stressful job. This has been a double edged sword as whilst it has given me an obviously difficult time juggling the hats of career, wife and parent as discussed in my blog post “Diva or Door Mat,” it has also given me an insight into the difficulties that I have tried to help parents with as my role within Special Educational Needs has developed in recent years.

There have always been certain individuals or families that have made indelible marks on me during my career, often the ones I have had to invest the most time in to support. Over my time in education, my interest in SEN has grown to the point that I studied and completed the SENCO qualification a few years ago and have spent the last two years attempting to embrace the immense task of being a SENCO in a busy primary school. This has put me in the privileged position of being the trusted person when families are at some of their darkest moments and it has been a joy to see the relief when together we have been able to find solutions or gain much needed support when paperwork is agreed by SEN panels. For those cases that I leave unresolved, I feel a pang of guilt and hope that others in my place will sort things quickly as, unless you’ve been part of the roller coaster of accepting that a child in the family has special needs, you cannot begin to imagine how all-encompassing this becomes.

As for me, for many reasons, I found that I had become completely overwhelmed by the demands of the job alongside family issues to the point that I now have to consider my own mental health. So, rather like a large sand timer, I see that the time has come to accept that the sand has all run through and my energies have been sapped with it to the point that I am now out of time.

That phrase is apt for several reasons - out of time in how I now feel that I cannot continue fighting the daily battles with accompanying rising stress levels, out of time in how, as a middle-aged teacher my training was at a time that now seems unrecognisable for the current demands of the job, out of time in what I value as important in teaching young minds and how that doesn’t fit into the narrow focused curriculum that measures all children in a one-size fits all way that actually does not fit at all well for many of them.

I face an uncertain new year, with no fixed plans of what I will choose to do next. I have given myself permission to take some time to have some head space, to focus on my writing, to consider if there is another route that I may take work wise. I do not know right now, if I could return to teaching at some point. I feel that I have more to offer, especially in the field of SEN, but as yet have no plans about the form that this will take. I hope to make something of my writing, as it is certainly true that blogging my thoughts this year has helped me to confront long buried emotions and face up to issues that have been hard to talk about. I am too close to it all right now to answer questions about my future. Just today my husband asked if I feel I could do something in the future to keep making a difference in the field of SEN. I could not even think of how to respond to the question without welling up - I suppose that must mean that the guilt in leaving families part way through a journey, in stopping being the one waving the SEN flag at school and fighting a child’s corner is all still too raw for me. Being a SENCO is more than just a job, it seeps into your bones and you certainly cannot leave it at work.

Perhaps readers of this blog will have ideas of where I could jump next? I would be happy to hear suggestions. For now, I have to remind myself that it is okay not to know where I am headed. Moving from a heavily time managed environment to a situation that is bound by no rules or deadlines is simultaneously liberating and intimidating. Friends have put a rose coloured spin on it, encouraging me to follow my dreams. Perhaps they are right? So I am working hard to think of this point in time not as an ending but as a beginning. I have a lot of people to support me and I have got better at asking for help. My past successes will always be there, my future ones are worth striving for and I am truly blessed to have my support network helping me to keep moving forward. Perhaps I am not out of time, more choosing my own time, my time to shine.