As Yet Untitled

Standing outside of the herd, being separate from the crowd, having the courage to stop drifting along with the general tide, whatever you want to call it - doing something different brings with it danger and uncertainty.

Recent blogs have detailed the journey I have been on these past few months to arrive here, an ex-teacher looking to regain some sanity and self-esteem by being different. No longer following the daily work drudge but instead having no particular rules and having space and time to write, to be creative, to do something new.
Many well-wishers have supported this decision and backed it up with positive messages about being brave enough to follow my dreams, not knowing where I will go or what I can achieve until I take the first step – until I take that leap of faith. Well I’m committed to it now. Whilst my immediate family and close friends see the necessity of the decision and indeed, have spurred me on so that I feel supported and am being encouraged to face what lies ahead as an opportunity to be grabbed, I have entered the New Year wondering how much of a rose-tinted facade I am building for myself. Am I just kidding myself with all this talk of writing and creativity? Have I not just dressed up an inability to cope in the restraints of the job I had, in a romanticised scene where I am acting as the protagonist – a writer whose character has just been given the space she has craved all these years to blossom? Should I be pursuing such a pretence or just knuckle down and find myself a real job, like everyone else does? That’s a lot of questions.

Having just watched a wildlife documentary I was struck at how easy it is for the predators of life to pick off the weakest, those struggling to keep up at the fringes of the pack. I am all too aware that I have my own inner predators waiting in the corners of my mind. Doubt, comfort-eater, self-criticism and many more that could so easily manifest themselves. In order to survive these I know I need to be somewhat proactive. In years gone by, I have easily sunk into a routine of watching junk TV, eating junk food and following a junk sort of lifestyle when I felt low, or preoccupied by negative thoughts. Having done so well with my weight loss and trying so hard to make the most of myself, the ‘fabulous at fifty’ initiative, I really cannot afford to let it all slip as the year unfolds, even though I feel myself moving to the fringes of the societal pack at the moment.

Next week I would have been starting the Spring Term, if I had not resigned, something which has been my life’s pattern for as long as I can remember. I went from being at school myself, to training to teach at university, to teaching my first class - all governed by the academic calendar. Instead, I don’t know exactly what I will be doing. Aware of how I might be feeling, both my husband and a good friend have made arrangements so that I am doing something special on two days of that week and I have had many more friends make it clear that they are around if I need them too. I feel very lucky that I have such people in my life who are looking out for me. Now is the time to look out for myself too.

There are many mindfulness sites extolling the virtues of positive words and deeds. I read one quote exploring how much difference one positive thought can make, how trying to start each day with one can make an impact upon the rest of it. Like the Spike Milligan poem describing the infectious nature of a smile, treating yourself kindly and actively focusing on the positive must have a ripple effect. It is an outcome that you have to actively pursue though, like training an inner voice to remark upon the positive from the everyday.

So I have started my year by writing each day, writing whatever pops into my head. I am sure a lot of it will be of no consequence to anyone, but the mere act of writing it is a process I am finding cathartic and positive, so I guess it does not matter what I am writing. For now, the pages of my writing diary form their own exclusive audience and that is enough.

Change is frightening, but nothing new happens without change. Some things will be worse, some will be better. I may find it hard to come to terms with some things, most probably things that I have not yet even considered. For now, I must not allow myself to worry about what this might include. Face forward and keep going, nobody knows what awaits them around the next turning so in that, I am not alone. This chapter of my life has no predetermined direction, no name to describe it and no designated end point. In a year’s time, I may have some answers or some shape to this chapter, all of that remains to be seen. Until then, the chapter remains untitled and is perhaps as all good writers find, the last part of the writing jigsaw to fall into place. When researching the writing process, it is apparent that a good title is an organic process that emerges from the writing – as the words fall onto the page, not – as in many Literacy lessons in classrooms, - an imposed label on which to write a formulaic response. So here I am, Mollie the blogger with an article: As Yet Untitled.