New Year, New Chapter.

‘Twixtmas’ as I believe these few days between Christmas and New Year celebrations are called, is a strange part of the year. A mixture of exhaustion from all the preparations leading up to Christmas and a sort of self-loathing for giving into the indulgences of the holiday lead to me becoming a blob-like creature, incapable of rational thought, surrounded by mountains of chocolate and left over mince pies and turkey. Just to get off the sofa takes a concerted effort as it is during this time that I find my energy levels as well as my mood, can be low. All the anticipation of one day of the year, all the stress about how well the hosting of the day and managing relatives and expectations, all of that has to tip the mental balance into a downward trajectory doesn’t it?

So, this week, I have found myself keeping my mind busy, by writing, and my body active by walking the dog. Both positive actions to take to support my emotional state. I’m sure that each year I sink into the ‘Twixtmas’ slump but this year, I suppose I really don’t know what lies ahead for me in the new year. Having made the decision to leave work, I now feel that I am facing a difficult and significant time. Very much like a pedestrian stood at the kerb edge of a busy road, trying to find the right moment to commit to crossing to the other side, where promise and enticement lay to draw me forward through the dangerous traffic in order to get there. Sometimes, to get to the destination that you want, the hardest part seems to be taking the first steps.

I have started a sort of writing scrapbook – a collection of inspiring quotes within the pages of a notebook given to me by a friend. Alongside these, I plan to write my thoughts, my experiences, anything pertinent to me at the time. It feels like a positive way to empty my head of writing clutter and to note my observations of the world around me. Much like an artist keeps a sketch book. On my first blank page, my musings have started thus:

“My life is, as this book, currently open upon a blank page...”

At this point, the blank page of the year ahead seems simultaneously exciting and intimidating and I am grateful to all those who messaged me words of encouragement or suggestions of possible job opportunities for the future, having read my last blog ‘Overwhelmed and Out of Time.’

When you’re faced with the unknown, the little seeds of doubt that I am sure everyone has, can easily begin to sprout and begin to take hold of the dark corners of your mind. Given the chance, they could all too easily germinate and flourish like persistent weeds do among the beauty of a flower bed. This I must avoid. Whilst all around you can feel busy and is visually sparkling and welcoming, there have been times this last week when I have felt as though I am in some sort of movie theatre - an onlooker watching the scenes unfold around me, without any real participation on my part in the proceedings.

Perhaps it is because the demands of the traditions of a family Christmas, whatever that might look like for individual readers of this blog, create a familiar game, somewhat like us all following the rules of a predetermined chess game as we move across the board of play from the start to the end of the festivities. Even as I write this down, it feels like I am being the proverbial Scrooge character, bringing a message of ‘bah humbug’ to the season of goodwill. That is not my intention in my observations. It is more that there are always layers to social gatherings and not everyone is on the same page at the same time. Looking ahead to this new year, to be welcomed in at midnight in a couple of days’ time, I do feel that my path forward may be a rocky one. I may well stumble along the way but at least I recognise that.

Among the gifts I received for Christmas and to mark the leaving of my teaching post, were several items related to me setting myself up as a writer. I am not sure why this is so daunting right now, perhaps because it holds none of the 9 to 5 rules of a regular job and thus it feels strange to not be conforming to routines. It is not that I am seeing writing as a job either, for with that claim comes a necessity to have some financial gain from it. However, to immerse myself in writing, an ideal that I have always held in my mind as a dream, a sort of “if I ever win the lottery I would...” statement, to immerse myself I do need to treat it like a job and commit to the process.

So, as I say, I am sitting here with my blank page before me and it is up to me to decide how the writing falls upon it and what the story will be as the ink dries. One quote sent to me by friends reads: “Write your own story” That has to be my inspiration for my new year and my new chapter. Let’s see how the plot unfolds from here.