Searching for Sunsets

Have you seen some of the fantastic sunsets in recent weeks? When the weather has been unseasonably warm for February, we have been afforded the delight of majestic masterpieces as the days draw to a close. Struck by their beauty, I have been caught up in a mood of reflection. I am taking it to be a good sign as I am considering where I stand on my journey and feel an acceptance of my situation. I started this year with several weeks of turmoil as I attempted to look ahead to the unknown. I was obviously searching for answers and a plan for myself within the coming months and felt adrift on a sea of uncertainty. An evocative image, a poetic spin on what felt unsettling at the time, as I kept trying to rationalise what I was doing and make sense of how I would be able to move forward. Steps that I have since taken have brought me to an understanding that no plan actually is a plan for my own well-being.

It is funny how since I have adjusted to where I am now, I have allowed myself to think back to how things were a year ago, and have found myself asking where we now find ourselves. Thankfully the disruption of major house renovations are past and we are all settled into the new spaces created from it. I love the oasis of calm that our loft bedroom has become. Clean lines, limited clutter and views across the rooftops combine to create a positive space. Having had years of trying to unwind at the end of a day in the one room that we had never got round to decorating, a room full of furniture that never really fitted the space, it is now actually restful to go to bed, chat about our day or plans for the week ahead and snuggle up for the night. I don’t know if it is a common practice, but we always had that mentality of it only being us who saw the space so why bother making too much effort for a room that we spent little time awake in. I wish now that we could have put energy into rectifying that years ago, for the calm now is helping to seep into the fabric of our everyday and helping us both to manage better.

My children now have their bedrooms and space for their respective creative outlets: art and music. Now that my eldest has finished university and has his new band embarking on a programme of weekly gigs, there is a lot of music in the house. It isn’t all confined to the studio space that he has either, for the sounds and equipment have started to spill out all over the house. I hope he’s very grateful for the indulgence when he becomes rich and famous! I expect that’s the sunset that he is searching for. Until then, I am guessing that he and his equipment will be permanently resident in our house for many years to come and we will all just have to accommodate that.

I am not sure what this phase of our relationship has become - the parent- child relationship once the child has become an adult. No longer a situation where the parents hold all the power or control cards in the deck, more that we stumble along finding ways to co-exist, live alongside each other, re-establishing rules of living within a shared space. I am not sure we have managed that trick yet and I think some days that a better balance is needed, one where we as the parents don’t have all the responsibilities and all the chores and none of the freedoms that youth and exuberance enjoy. I guess I still have a way to go in adjusting my expectations so that I don’t keep defaulting to the ‘Mum position’ running around and clearing up after everyone. Not having a ‘recognised job’ certainly adds to the perception that my role is the maid and dog walker and whilst I am happy to take on a fair share of all of that, I am still working at speaking up to get some help in this – after all, I don’t make all the mess.

It is true that the physical differences to the house and the circumstances surrounding jobs and career moves have changed, but so too has my outlook. I suppose I have been given the luxury of space and an ability to pause for all this reflection. I have moved forward with my stress management and well-being and although I know I am still climbing that confidence mountain, making footholds for myself with each achievement along the way, I am gaining momentum. The anaemia and associated health issues seem to be more under control since Christmas which in turn, is helping my mood. All of that is positive, even if I have gained a little weight in the process. I’m guessing you can’t have it all! Less comfort eating and more getting out as the weather improves to exercise and feel the sun on my face will help with all of it though. I can’t be the only one who has the winter comfort bulge to tackle?

Then of course, the major difference from a year ago is that I am now writing every day. Having no expectations has meant that I have now relaxed into a writing habit - writing every day and missing the process if there is a day where I have been prevented from doing so. I currently have several projects running at the same time: these blog pieces, scripts to create and edit and a book – where my energies have mostly been channelled. When all the chores of the day are done and the dropping off or picking up of the children, shopping and so on is complete, I am excited to sit at my desk and write. Absorbed in the process, I feel as if I have different coloured threads from scattered garments all around me and as I type, I am working hard to pull together these many strands and weave them into a whole - something magnificent, or at least something that holds together when you hold it up for others to see. The jury is out on that score, for I am yet to get to the feedback stage. As I edit, and re-edit, it is with trepidation that I await responses from initial readings. But that is all for the future, for some sunset yet to be searched out. Now I must admit that I have made a long journey, emotionally and in my writing, and need to be content to play in the long shadows of an afternoon. There is no rush, I might just pause and sip tea and look around a while longer.

When life gives you lemons...

So we’re into the new year now and I’ve started thinking about what may lay ahead and have definitely drawn that line under all that went before last year, to bring me to this place. Many of my recent blogs have explored my feelings about all of that: the job resignation, the need for a complete career break, the necessity of having some head space - I don’t need to evidence it all again here. Needless to say, analysing it all, it would be easy to surmise that life gave me some lemons last year. So what should I do with them?

Lots of quirky phrases are out there to complete the statement ‘when life gives you lemons...’ They are found on t-shirts, memes and more, so go ahead and pick one that suits you best. What statement would I choose? 
Well, I could follow the usual saying and make lemonade. In my experience though, anything fizzy is all very exciting at the beginning but usually gets messy very quickly and I don’t need anything else sticky to clear up in my life! 

Talking of clearing up, there are many good uses for a lemon in regard to their cleaning properties - now I’m thinking of all those household tips where a lemon is your best friend but I don’t think the marigolds look is quite the fashion statement that I’m going for. Even though metaphorically speaking, I am certainly cleaning house - new broom and all that.

I am finding my direction at the moment and also thinking about how to organise myself a new routine, for I do think that life without any routine does quickly lose its appeal and anyway, there are always things that have to be done at some point in the day or week. Necessity is the mother of invention, or so the saying goes. Well the necessity of the dog needing exercise has meant that I am carving out certain times of the day devoted to exercise both for the dog and myself. Secondly, cutting out one wage earner from the family will obviously have implications which we are yet to adjust to. As part of this though, I have found myself re-evaluating how we shop and how and what we cook, which in the long term will bring more home cooking - in turn hopefully developing my confidence in creating meals. Lastly, I have also been considering when I schedule in writing opportunities for myself- so far this year, I have managed to write in some way or another on almost every day, though I now need to find the time and inspiration to begin a real project properly.

This Christmas I received two kitchen gadgets that I am yet to try out: a new mixer and a slow cooker. I feel like a trailer for one of those glossy TV cookery programmes extolling the virtues of home baking and meals designed to complete the image of the happy family seated around the table, sharing anecdotes about their day. Yet, it is something that I aspire to. I have always enjoyed baking and creating cakes for various occasions so I am looking forward to re-visiting this and maybe having the space and time to improve some of the recipes and skills that go along with that. As for the family meals, I have always liked it when we have been able to sit together around a table to eat. I think that is often a fading image in the busy lives that many of us lead these days but I have always found it to be important to pause, share food and time with each other. As the children have got older, our lives have become more disjointed and we’re often eating at different times from each other. We’re certainly rarely eating the same meal, even if sat together for it. Having a new-found vegan regime to cater for as well as other dietary preferences within the family certainly adds to the complexity of dinner time. Saturday evenings are often the best time of the week, as it is then that everyone’s timetables align and all 4 of us sit together for a short while, well some weeks anyway.

Isn’t it funny when you look back at how mealtimes went when the children were young? All those tricks and games you tried to get the kids to try vegetables and stop playing long enough to have some food. Now, as young adults, they would eat the entire contents of the fridge without blinking and one of them wants nothing but vegetables! As for the ‘choo choo train’ or ‘aeroplane coming’ on a fork, no such coaxing is required but has actually been replaced by delivery drivers bringing Just Eat or Uber Eats deliveries that the kids have ordered on their phones without our knowledge! A sign of the times that food, like many other aspects of life now, can be delivered at a click or a swipe and bring almost instant gratification. The tap screen immediacy of modern life leaves little space for real, hands on experiences and is a dangerous path for us all to follow without stopping to stand still, look at our surroundings and get messy once in a while. Roll some dough in your hands, smell the herbs you are crushing and wait for a while to taste the food you have created because just perhaps you might enjoy it more, if you’ve had to work for it?

For me, it is the process of the meal making or the baking that is part of the benefit, as well as saving money or making healthier choices than following a take-away route. I like to lose myself in my thoughts in the kitchen whilst creating meals or bakes and there is also something about providing nourishment for others. Is that a wired-in notion of being a mother? Is it caught up in being a feeder, a provider, part of liking to please others? Perhaps a psychologist would have something to say on that issue? 

So what else is left for my lemon choices? They’re well known health benefits for colds, sore throats and restoring my son’s vocal chords prior to a gig mean that they’re often coupled with honey in our kitchen. I’ve heard the expression ‘just suck it and see’ but I would be cautious about sucking on a lemon - in fact I’ve always been mindful of advice about what you should put in your mouth!

So, all things considered, I’m not going to juggle lemons or slice them for a G & T. For now, I’m going to throw a casserole in my slow cooker and reinvent the cake that my friends and family enjoy - my famed lemon cake. The bigger picture can wait whilst I go ahead with this part, one answer that I can go with... When life gives you lemons, bake cake.