From Inside a Bubble

Sat at a desk in the corner of a luxury hotel room, classical music playing on the quirky box radio alongside me, it is easy to float away on your imagination. Float to a time and place hovering somewhere between historical and romance novel. As I write, I would like to inhabit that time and place, far from social media, news headlines and scavenging supermarket customers. 

It’s not from a desire to deny all that is happening or to be adopting a head in the sands approach, for we deliberated a fair amount before going ahead with this trip away. Having booked it at the start of the year, to celebrate a special anniversary, we were indeed torn and in somewhat of a quandary about the wisdom of proceeding. August this year will mark 30 years of marriage for us and this break was partly in recognition of that fact and partly planned for the two of us to grab some time together ‘far from the maddening crowd’ to quote Thomas Hardy - a most eloquent expression of how it feels right now.

To focus on each other and the inner calm that is blossoming as we settle into our temporary surroundings, is just what is needed for both of us. I have actively put my phone to one side in an attempt to disengage from the world, albeit for just a few short days. I have not had the space to focus like this for a while and I think this ‘centering’ process can only ultimately be positive. There’s jazz playing now - we have moved to the lounge bar. There’s an abundance of plush armchairs and soft lighting. I have closed my eyes to allow it all to be absorbed - the ambience of a touch of decadence. Oh how I wish I could bottle it and take a sip in times of stress and worry. Right now, that feels like a much more attractive proposition than the failed quest for hand sanitiser.

The world seems a particularly scary place and yet, simultaneously, this insidious threat has highlighted how interconnected we actually are. Sure, we can focus on the statistics and the selfishness of those who seem to have adopted a’first come, first served’ attitude, but fear is obviously the driving force behind it all. A fear of what might happen next, who may fall ill and of loosing control of all that was previously taken for granted in our lives. Our routines, our work and home life, our social activities. I can not control any of that and so I guess, a few days attempting not to confront it, makes little difference in the grand scheme of things. Instead, I am writing and imagining characters, plots and scenarios. 

The hotel has a long and varied history and is surrounded by vast parklands. Scattered throughout the building are little nods to its history: artefacts, pictures, fixtures and fittings to conjure up the past. A costume drama or murder mystery would not be out of place here. I find myself wondering how the plot would play out, if I began to write one. 

When pen is put to paper, it often has no clear objective or ending in sight and I trust that the flow of words will fulfill both. Sadly our time within this bubble will soon end but it will have achieved a few objectives - those of relaxation, celebration and appreciation. As a bonus offshoot, it has given me a chance to channel energy into writing and to regain some perspective as to where else that may take me. Whatever else may be ahead for us all is too scary and too vast to dwell upon, so perhaps for me, it is best to write. We can all only take one day at a time at the moment and I’ll just write my story one page at a time.

Quality Time

This week has been about quality time. Time spent away for a few days, with my Mum, my daughter and the dog. Three generations together enjoying each other’s company, talking about all manner of things and loving the luxury of the hot tub that came with the lodge that we had hired. We stayed in a small holiday park which was basically set up to be a landscaped area for the lodges - both privately owned and holiday let - with a small reception office, staffed a few hours a day. That was it - no frills, no shop, no on site activities, just peace and quiet a plenty, with sheep and ducks as our neighbours.

Knowing this was the type of site we had signed up for, we had planned accordingly and between us taken a box of provisions. Although we could drive a short distance to a supermarket if we needed to, there was something of a nostalgic element to packing our provisions box. A nod to past holidays in my parents’ caravan when our kids were small and we would load up the car with groceries, toiletries, clothes and all the extras that toddlers seem to need before driving off for a long weekend or half term break.

We weren’t far from the spot that Mum and Dad had their caravan and although over a decade since we were last there, it was hard not to reminisce about past days out back then, with my Dad. Much has changed and some aspects remain the same, like any typical English seaside town, but walking around Hastings and Bexhill-On-Sea I found myself wondering what Dad would have made of it all. Back before his illness took hold, he would walk for miles and find a little spot to sit to survey the countryside with his packed lunch of sandwich spread or crab paste sandwiches, a packet of crisps and a chocolate penguin biscuit. Once retired from teaching, he would often travel down on the train for a few days and spend his time walking, running and cycling. He always had a drive to be in the outdoors and active.

Being close to nature, as I described earlier, was part of the relaxation process this week. Of course, as I have often mentioned in my writing, I benefited from being by the sea. Beyond that though, to feel the wind on my face, walk around the fields and watch the clouds pass overhead, all helps to focus the mind on the important parts of life and induce an inner calm.
Being back in the setting of the many holidays spent when my children were young felt strange at times and made me consider how much has changed since then. I miss the togetherness of when the children were younger - when we would all go to places together, eat together and be part of the experience together. A ‘bear hunt’ through the swishy, swashy, long grass on our way to Pevensey castle, looking for fairies hidden in the tree trunks of a National Trust garden, or losing count of how many strokes there have been as we work our way around a busy Crazy Golf course.

Does everyone look back to past sections of their life and think how much simpler things were then? The ‘memory seive’ effects your perception though, filtering through all the positive moments and nothing in life is ever really that simple. For every happy bucket and spade moment there may well have been disagreements about where to go, what to do about lunch or stand offs with the children when we wouldn’t let them buy up a whole souvenir shop. I am sure you can recall both the good and bad parts of your own holidays or days out with family, to know what I mean. Then again, family by its very nature and familiarity brings out the best and the worst of us all, perhaps as it is when we are with family that we are in our safe space to show how we really feel.

Today life often feels complicated, my children have their own interests and pursuits, meal times are sporadic and that elusive together time is to be treasured even more when we actually all manage to sit down together and talk to each other for a short while. If anything should come out of my week of quality time, then I think it is the importance of valuing what you have and when you have each other, take a few moments to be grateful for that. It may not happen so regularly with a grown up family, but when it does and we are all in the same place at the same time and absorbed in a given activity together, I’ll be content with quality over quantity.

We're Not Just Mum and Dad

Half a century I have been alive for: that’s quite a statement to make. I have been married for more time than I have been single: 28 years (to the same man - in case you’re wondering) which is almost three fifths of my life. I suppose we must be doing something right on the marriage front then. In the year when we have both reached our half century, I have found us to be reconnecting in many ways, almost as my husband said, reinventing ourselves.

We walked along a pebble beach today, just the two of us, and talked. Really talked. When you spend time with your partner on a daily basis you would think that you talk all the time wouldn’t you? Trouble is the subject matter is of daily tasks, meeting times, what the kids or the pets have been doing, all that sort of thing. You don’t touch on the big stuff - for that you need space and time.

A mini break by the sea, without the kids, gave us the context to discuss some pretty big stuff. To air how we feel about the ongoing family pressures may not solve presenting issues but it means you don’t have to hold all your thoughts and feelings about it inside your head, for you alone to be processing. This month has seen some big decisions on my part and having the time to talk about them, whilst the waves provide their calming soundtrack was a much needed therapeutic experience. There is something about the sea that touches the soul and it has almost a magical effect upon me - allowing my mind to drift into a floating state instead of its usual racing around agitation.

The phrase ‘headspace’ is heard increasingly and I was sceptical initially about it - surely it’s all just a bit hippy-like? This year, I have come to see the value of giving yourself time for some headspace, even if it was a term I would never have known or used ten years ago. As we walked and talked and sat in the November sunshine, the effects of sharing worries and taking calming measures washed over me, just like the waves would have if I had been brave enough to step into them.

Just having time together, away from the pressures of our work lives and the busy context of the family home, does in itself give you a freedom to appreciate each other and the little joys of being in each other’s company. When your parental responsibilities have lessened to a level that you can actually go out together without the kids, there is a feeling of stepping into the unknown all over again. The first time you do it, perhaps just for a meal out together, you sit there spending all evening talking about the kids and whether they’ll be okay at home. You have a feeling that actually you only function now as a parent and panic that perhaps you have nothing left to say to each other beyond how the parenting is working.

Then you repeat the freedom experience and if you’re lucky, like us, get to a point where you can trust the kids to be left at home whilst you go away for a night or two. This is where the reinventing really takes place. No longer just Mum and Dad, you find yourselves back in that couple role which has at times felt like a distant memory from our youth. Holding hands to walk along together, giggling about an amusing point of conversation, happily sharing the joys of being ‘in the moment,’ to coin the latest mindfulness mantra, is all reminiscent of a time before the weight of responsibilities pressed upon our shoulders. Work-life balance has eluded us lately. Family pressures have impacted upon us. So giving each other space and permission to talk about it all and to step away from such stresses, albeit for just a short time, has felt invaluable.

It is so easy when we all have such busy lives and demanding workloads to power on through the days and weeks and months without paying attention to the little things. It is important to press the pause button occasionally and just notice the details of your life. Somewhere along the way we got so caught up in working and making choices to suit other people that we forgot about ourselves.

Since returning from this short break, the little oasis of time and space, it’s amazing how quickly you plunge back in to the mundane and the turbulence of family crisis or work deadlines. At least, I have found that we are aware that it’s happening. We’re still talking about how we can continue to make time and space for each other. It’s a challenge that remains to be worked at and, I guess, as the Christmas frenzy cranks up, one that will prove more and more elusive for a while. We can’t make such grand gestures like booking rooms away on a regular basis but we have to look at the little things. Looking to the future, we need to give ourselves a break from it all more often. Pause, breathe, laugh or watch the sunset together. Do whatever it takes to put yourself as a couple at the top of the pile for a moment. For although, being Mum and Dad is the best job to have and a privilege to be given, we’re not defined by only that and it is time, perhaps, to be so much more.