Taking the Plunge!

There are times when it feels like I’m standing on the top diving board with all around me waiting for me to take the plunge but I’m paralysed to the spot and can’t step off. This week this analogy has come flooding into my mind as I feel that the work-life balance is evading me and the stresses that brings, are swirling around me. The scene from Little Mermaid plays its soundtrack in my head - “up where they stay all day in the sun, wandering free, wish I could be, part of that world.” Have you ever felt like you’re desperately trying to swim up to the surface, towards the light and freedom that it promises but you’re being held back, pulled back beneath the waves and all is swirling around you?

Maybe it’s just me? 

Just lately, I have found that I feel as if things are getting on top of me and as they do I have that all consuming sensation of spiralling out of control. Whether it’s just work and home circumstances or a combination of those pressures with adjustments needed again with my anaemia as it’s impacting upon my mood, I don’t know. When you hear people talk about feeling low, but you haven’t been there yourself, you just think there must be a quick fix and after all, we all have days when we feel a bit fed up. Now that I too have found myself in this category, I have been struck by just how overwhelmed I can quickly become. I have always been a logical, rational person but I can see these skills slipping away as the mood takes hold and I spiral down the helter-skelter of emotions.

The high board is where I currently stand, looking at still blue waters far below. A delectable temptation beckons - joining the cool pool of water, but it’s so far away and involves a leap of faith to dive the distance to reach it. So what do you do? Stay rooted to the spot, dive off with a high possibility of making a complete bellyflop on entry to the pool, or be brave enough to ask for help to find an alternative route down perhaps? It may feel like a backwards route, the long flight of steps back down from that precarious height, but there may be something rewarding in retracing those familiar steps and recognising what you achieved along the way on each step in the first place.

A good friend offering a hand to hold as I tentatively start the long climb down has offered wise advice. If you can’t completely change where you currently find yourself, what can you do to improve your situation? I know that I have referenced this in previous blogs, particularly in ‘Diva or Door Mat?’ but I do struggle to stand up for myself. Being proactive in saying what I can and am doing is not a natural part of my makeup. Neither do I find it easy to rock the boat, to make a fuss about things. So do I just let it all build up until I’m in that overwhelmed state? I guess I do or I have done so a lot. So now I recognise at least that I have to listen to friends who may sound harsh at the time, but who are pushing me to do the right thing for all the right reasons.

The best friends don’t always agree with you, they challenge how you feel about things but they do it in a way that you know they’re around if you fall. Think back to when you learnt to ride a bike. You couldn’t keep the stabilisers on for ever - riding around in some falsely constructed safe reality. No. There came a point when you were on those two wheels and you wobbled off down the street. You fell off a bit but you persevered and rode that bike in the end, probably with a parent or sibling cheering or smiling from the sidelines as you did so.

I hope my friends who are making me ride without stabilisers, are quietly smiling to themselves when they see me manage part of this journey. I know they’re looking out for me and sink or swim, ride or fall, they’ll be around to listen, advise or offer a friendly hug. Let’s face it, even a middle aged woman can feel a whole lot better after a comforting hug and a friendly smile.

A House of Cards

As a teenager, I went through a phase of trying to learn to juggle for a few weeks. It was mainly instigated by my younger brother who was annoyingly quick to grasp the technique and proudly showed anyone who would look at his new skill, as he progressed from 3 to 5 juggling balls, scarves or even pieces of fruit! Never one to be outdone by my sibling I tried to follow his instructions to master the art but never quite managed it.

As a wife, mother, career woman and dedicated drama participant I regularly feel like I am still trying to succeed at juggling. There are times when all the balls are in the air at once and for a while at least, the illusion perpetuates and anyone pausing to look would be impressed by the circus act. More often than not though, at least one ball goes wayward.

A dear friend once said to me that her life only works when everyone is well. It is certainly true that as soon as one family member feels ill or needs a day off work the impact ripples through all the arrangements of the well-oiled daily life machine and metaphorically throws a spanner in the works. The times when this has impacted upon our lives most significantly were the months leading up to my father’s death and two years later, when my mother developed sepsis and the long slow recovery time from this.

When I look back to these times and think of the daily hospital visits fitted in around work and continuing family life, I am at a loss to contemplate how we managed - but of course you do because you have to and everything else is re-prioritised.

It occurs to me that we have spent time building up a house of cards over the years, balancing one section and moving onto the next as we pass from one phase of life to the next. Starting off as a newly married couple the lowest floor of our house of cards comprised budgeting to pay bills, working out how to take on household responsibilities as part of adult life and developing our confidence in the workplace and all the while feeling like we were playing at being grown-ups.

Once children came along we were onto a second floor and the playing at being grown-ups became a whole lot more serious, as we were actually responsible for other little humans. Balancing some of the cards on this level took a lot of practice and many times when we felt like we might never get things straight and in order. In the early parenting days I felt as though I hadn’t a clue about what I should be doing and worried about the smallest decisions. Thankfully, this anxiety does lessen and we relaxed more into the parenting role, had a second child and grew along with our children into a family unit.

I feel like our house of cards has perhaps reached its third or fourth storey now. With grown up kids, busy careers and relatives with increasing need for support, the construction and balancing of this phase proves quite a delicate and demanding task at times. There have been days when it has felt like it will all come tumbling down and I think of the courtroom scene from Alice, with a pack of cards circling around her somewhat like a tornado.

I have read something recently about a person never really being too busy to do something but having priorities which show truly where others figure in their lives. I think I have been guilty of feeling compelled to accommodate people in my life, to stop what I am doing or put one item on hold in order to help others when they ask me for something. I certainly like to please people, to help them and I think caring about others cannot be a bad thing. But I have been told that I lose myself in all this. By jumping up straight away to help others out, I have often given myself extra work or a pile of jobs to complete later at more inconvenient times. It’s hard to change one’s nature though.

Prioritising and delegating are skills I am still working hard to improve. It was pointed out to me that if I always put myself at the bottom of the pile, then I won’t be able to give of my best to help others anyway.

Reflecting on this, I find myself unpicking why I have developed these habits. Automatically saying yes to colleague requests or jumping up to fulfill wishes and demands made by my children, is perhaps a desire to keep all running smoothly? Don’t make waves - the saying goes. I know I’ve been guilty of opting to keep quiet sometimes in an attempt to limit the emotional ripples caused from confrontation and as I have explored in my previous blog “Confined by my Cage of Confidence” this is not a successful strategy to employ in the long term.

When our house of cards looks like it’s in danger of tumbling down it is easy to feel that all is lost and at those times, I know that I can sweep aside all that is still positive along with the knee jerk reaction to what is currently going badly for us. The thing about my deck of cards is that, although flimsy on their own and subject to fall as the winds of misfortune blow past, together they have formed a strong structure and balanced well on the foundations of a 30 year relationship. Many things have come along to test us, from redundancy to serious family illness and grief. Many things have also made us smile: pride in our children’s achievements, accomplishments in our working and home lives, celebrations of milestones and family events.

Each of us finds ourselves dealt a deck of cards in life. Sometimes we are envious of others and what appears to be a better hand and we would like the opportunity to swap our hand. Sometimes we need to shuffle our deck to mix things up a bit, step out of a rut, try a few new tricks and in doing so, make a few treasured memories.

Whatever turn of a card fate has in store for us next though, remember that you have an inner strength and when you’re feeling that you can’t find it sometimes, family and friends will always be on hand to keep you going. This year has been a personal journey for me where I keep discovering how true this is - you just have to speak up and ask for help.