Father’s Footsteps

There are things that I wish I could tell my Dad, things that have happened since he passed away that I would have shared with him. Achievements of family members, places he would have enjoyed visiting with us, big decisions that he would have had an opinion on. When I pause to press a play back on the past, to the days before his illness when he was an active presence in family life, I ask myself what he would have made of all these developments.

Thoughts of him come into a bittersweet focus as Father’s Day is celebrated each June. The same would be true on other key dates of the year, his birthday and Christmas for example. On this Father’s Day (the seventh there has been without him) I am pausing to think of what a father brings to the family unit – what has been missing since we lost that kind and gentle man, with his dry sense of humour.

Little things come to mind, scattered anecdotes of times shared together, either from my own childhood or when he was in full ‘grandad mode’ to my children. Countryside walks up hills, over stiles and along narrow cliff paths with Dad leading the way – the intrepid adventurer would need a risk assessment completed nowadays but the freedom of it all was precious. Walking featured with our children too when Grandad would pretend the fairies were holding a meeting in a certain tree trunk and provide the soundtrack, out of sight of my daughter who was searching amongst the roots and moss for a glimpse of a glittery fairy wing.

Being a lover of the Goon Show and particularly Spike Milligan, it is perhaps no surprise that he was prone to quoting nonsense rhymes and often creating his own versions. For years, I think my children thought that Grandad’s version of Miss Polly who had a dolly that was six foot four, was the correct one and that their nursery teachers kept getting it wrong.

As a mathematics teacher, you might expect him to have been a man of order and pattern, yet there always seemed to be a chaotic trail of paperwork strewn around him as he marked papers or sorted race results for his athletics club. Dare to clear the table and we would be told that he knew where things were amongst the clutter and he certainly managed to work his way through it to achieve the tasks he needed to.

As a father, he brought humour to the day to day and although not an extroverted man by any means, he would be quick to make a joke to lighten a mood when needed, He worked hard to provide a solid home for us all without ever drawing attention to the fact that he was doing so. If his work was difficult or making ends meet was problematic, he never let on – not that I can remember any way. My perception is that of a man quietly doing what he needed to for home and family to succeed at one time or another an adventurer, joker, teacher, athlete and provider.

Now an experienced parent myself, I think of all that my husband contributes and is as a father too. He too has taught our children from his example, as they have grown. He has brought laughter with shared ‘in jokes,’ games and funny experiences over the years. Mostly, he has been quietly strong, a provider who feels responsible for the family whether that be their happiness, safety or financial security. In recent years, he has been able to let on if he has found this role difficult at times, whether in the past he perceived it as weak to admit that something may be difficult or to ask for help, I don’t know. I see it as positive to let that guard down occasionally so that we can try to work together to resolve issues and move forward.

From childhood boys are still told not to be a ‘wuss,’ to not run or cry ‘like a girl,’ or to ‘man up’ when faced with a challenge. Such expressions contribute to a certain image of a man, one who has to be strong, capable and dependable which also negates the need for showing emotions. Being brave enough to say how you feel shows a strength in my eyes and I’d much rather have that example shown to my children. There are times when his version of being a father can look like it’s in the background, quietly getting on with all that needs to be done to keep the family ship sailing on. I hope that he knows that it doesn’t go unnoticed and with that in mind, wish him a happy Father’s Day – relaxing with the family.